Category Archives: match report

A match report (of sorts)

August 10, 2009match reportjimbob

Match Report 2009_06_25

July 2, 2009match reportbrown

vs
4-2 win to Nannas
CB 2, DC 1, JH, TW, TK, RH, AW, CG, TH(coach)

Well, well, well.

On the Serengeti plains of western Africa there are heaps of wildebeasts. The meat is everywhere and the lion pride can take their pick. But then the grass disappears (Jim) and so does the meat (Jim). It’s called the great migration and it requires some pretty nifty motion graphics to really get a handle on it’s massive scope. But the poor old lionesses and lion cubs are territorial and they would rather starve than wear out their soft pussy paws on a big old march north on the tails of the Wilding ones. So they just wander around looking for meat, getting real hungry until hunks of their fur starts falling out and they turn into weak-ass niggas with no muscle.

The Nannas love to go four goals up. There’s nothing better. Kondo slots an early goal deep into the netting. Cocky slips a shanghai shuffler into the goal that drips in like we are watching that shit at 500 frames per second. And then he got a goal. Then the deeply bronzed thigh spasm worked some shadow subfloor toe-poke action that poltergeisted the ball into the netting like you need some magnetic resonance imaging to capture that detail. And the trappist monk style beer chaser to follow that single malt action was the finest of fine angled edge o’ the double bevel eye of the needle accurate to seventeen hundred decimal places thunder strike (you guessed it) deep into the netting. And then these nameless bitches who we can’t name get a couple of dodgy goals and it looks like we could just crumple into nothing and end up like those mangey lions in the Serengeti.

But we do not. Well, we don’t do no more killing. And we do look vulnerable a few times. But we survive that long hungry stretch towards the end of the 36 minutes and we can leave the building heads held high. And being humans we just head off to The Station Hotel in Footscray (thank you Tao) and Cocky eats half a kilo of beest and we drink some beer and all is right with the world.

Good. Solomon turned 4 today.

Match Report 11 June 2009

June 16, 2009match reportjimbob

Nanna versus La Chivas
Score: Nannas 4, La Chivas 8
Attendees: CB, JH, RH, TH, TK, AW
Goals: CB 2, JH 2

Statistical breakdown

Nannas
Time in possession: 25%
Shots on goal: 10
Shots on target: 5
Shots taken (expressed as a percentage) from half way 1%, sideline 0%, outside attacking third 10%, inside attacking third, 89%.

La Chivas
Time in possession: 75%
Shots on goal: lost count at about 100
Shots on target: must have been about 100
Shots taken (expressed as a percentage) from half way 10%, sideline 20%, outside attacking third 30%, inside attacking third, 40%.

Pre-game
Ref said: ‘You’re in for a special surprise tonight’. And for a moment I thought he had something in store for us before or after the game. Could be dancing girls, some mechanical device where we get to test our manliness. And I wondered why he had chosen us above all the other teams. Maybe he had done the same for all the other teams. But then I remembered that we were here to play soccer, and, even though he was un-clear in his communication, I took it to mean that he was referring to our forthcoming opposition. And so he was.

The opposition
They were good. Indeed their only weak link was their goalie but he even he had his merits, being blessed with a larger than average frame. Apart from him, all had good foots skills, and all could and did score goals. But there were two among them that stood out. First the tall man, called Thomas. He could run, he could pass but his specialty was winding up from anywhere, and I mean anywhere, and sending a missile toward goal. Indeed, if he did not put his foot into touch just prior to the first half whistle, he would have scored from the sideline right on halfway.
Then there was their number 7, Joey. The main problem with this punk is that we could not get the ball off him no matter how hard we tried. The other problem was that he could shoot from just about anywhere too.
So, as the captain pointed out, we could not back off as they would shoot, and we could mark them close because they would just go straight around us.

The Nannas
As the statistics show, the score line could have been much, much worse. But the Nannas were brave and true. We went into half time just a goal down, and we were well in the match.
Apart from a short period after the half time interval we were competitive, we strong, we played to our strengths.
Kondo stood tall in goals, almost breaking an arm trying to stop a shot. His distribution was measured and his bravery never in question.
Andy was again at his back door antics, but again service to him was sparse. But he more than made up for this with his solid defence and some fine passing.
The Chasm, being by far the fittest Nanna, showed his athletic prowess, being everywhere, and was very unlucky not add to his night’s goal tally.
The Captain, as a good leader does, went after the opposition’s best player, using the thrusting crotch to bum move to try to dislodge the ball free from this player’s possession.
Lastly the Coach ran the floor like a jolly brown giant, making sure that the Nannas had a role model we could look up. Yes, true inspiration.

Post Script

Due to our braveness the ref said that La Chivas would probably, most certainly stay in our division. Apparently they came up to div 2 only recently, and have been trouncing the opposition about 20 zip ever since. That is until they met us.

Mid-season report

June 11, 2009match reportjimbob

This report will be broken into two sections, including:
An analysis of the Nanna – Annual relationship.
Mid-season player ratings.

The Nanna – Annual relationship
Yes, it would appear that the Annual are our bogey team. We either thrash them by about 10 goals, or go behind early, play shit and never make it up. These two scenarios have occurred in equal measure but the Annual would appear to be a good barometer of Nanna form. If we are playing well, we usually have it all over them. If we are playing shit, we are continually struggling to get past them and they hustle us out of the game.

Nanna player ratings (in alphabetical order)
Please note, these rating are on current form only.

Chris Brown
Finding his way back into form after an enforced lay-off. There have been flashes of brilliance from the Chasm, but we are still yet to see this season the triple MOM winning playing that was a hallmark of his last season.

Daniel Crooks
Usually the main Nanna spearhead, Cocky too is yet to hit top form. It is the little things, the first touches, the timing, the sweet shots, that seem to stopping our striker from bagging his customary triples and quadruples.

Chris Gill
While some (still) question the sameness and accuracy of our number one keeper’s distribution, I myself tend to think this part of his game has improved significantly, with his shots on goal being now a special feature of his game. What I would like to see our affroed one bring into his game is the looped throw to a Nanna’s foot.

Rhian Hinkley
Like the Chasm, our Captain is returning from an enforced lay-off. In the last couple of games he has shown glimpses of his foot skills and poise on the ball. If the Nannas are to build a solid base and a run at the title, we will need our Captain’s special touch.

Tom Howie
Remains a solid performer, organiser and settler (of out of control brown men) in the heart of the Nanna mid-field. While not the quickest man over the first ten yards, he has shown a deadly accuracy with his big toe, which he needs to more often. He also needs to be more vocal in defence, as people do have a habit of listening to him.

Takesh Kondo
Our number two in goals has shown some stirling out-of-goals defensive work in the last couple of weeks; his heart and scollops of steep never in doubt. Personally I would like to see him get on the ball more often. He has far more skills than he has ever shown when on court with the Nannas.

Tao Weis
Tao has been absent lately but I fear this has not been all his fault. We have missed him. In his last outing he illegally dropped a opposition player without the slightest hesitation, just ‘cause he felt like it. This is least of his capabilities. We need to get him back on court, immediately.

Andy Wong
Andy is our silent penetrator who has a knack of getting into the opposition’s rear end. Yet in the last couple of games our service to Andy and his runs has been poor. Andy has another penetrative weapon, his right foot. From time to time Andy has used this weapon to greater effect but from my point of view needs to hold possession more, pick his target and deliver with his right hoof, as we know he can.

Match report 14 May 2009

May 28, 2009match reportjimbob

Nannas versus Los Pitufos
Score: 6 apiece
MOM: JH
Goals: JH 2, DC 2, RH 1, OG 1

The basic elements of the game:
Taper Mr Whitey
A close relation of Brassy Mr Springey, Mr Whitey was in action on this night. While some Nanna brethren feel that such activities are somewhat silly, I prefer DC’s code, and I quote: ‘it is useful on occasions but must not be over used, as then it becomes a crutch’. Or something to that effect. For me on this evening it was useful.

The first couple of minutes
I scored two goals. Yes my eyes were somewhat glazed but I could make out the court, the other players and the posts.

The next couple of minutes
It was pretty even here, although one did have the feeling that the opposition were our bitches. They only had one player that would do us any harm. See next comment.

Yelling at a fellow Nanna
In my last report I had written how the yelling at fellow Nannas was a practice that went against every Nanna philosophy and should be stamped out of the Nanna game as quickly as possible. Lucky for me I deleted this passage.
On this night, after seeing DC trail behind his direct opponent (the aforementioned one who had all the skills) who then whacked the ball repeatedly into CG and then scored, I gave DC about three ear fulls, which he duly deserved.
As acting captain, even when the captain is there, I feel it is my duty to get all up in other people’s shit,

The second half of the first half
DC got a nice striker’s goal, being on hand to convert a spilled ball from the keeper, after I took a penalty.

The goal of the game
A true Nanna sucker punch as RH got his head to a CG throw. The angle, the head, the ball, the opposition keeper spread-eagled: it will live long in the memory of all those who were lucky enough to witness it.

The second half
Contrary to popular belief, the Nannas did score in the second half, apart from the own goal that opposition put against our tally. I squeezed a ball to DC who got himself adjacent to the near post. He stuck out a toe to my cross.

A crazy three minutes
DC and JH were off, if that makes any difference. The score was 5 to 1, in our favour. In three minutes it went to 5 apiece. Fingers are not pointed but fuck me.

The last minutes
DC forced an own goal out of the opposition. The opposition got away with a penalty and subsequently scored.

Special mentions
TK: some great defence.
DC: some nice goals and some coolness in the face of a barrage of hostility.

Match report 07-05-2009

May 13, 2009match reportjimbob

This was a bad, bad night for the Nanns, we played a third division team, we lost, we lost bad, if the truth be old we were insipid, unexiting, bland, stale, maybe we missed Gill, or Tao or both, maybe it was because we didn’t think it was competitive, or we had too many chances in the first ten minutes that we could not convert, or maybe it was Andy turning up late, or the coach or captain failing to communicate that the loser of the game would not get points, even though we were playing a forfeited match, which convinced some of us not to take the game seriously until about half time, or maybe it was because most of us do not get high for the game anymore, which makes us, contrary to popular opinion, shit, or maybe it was because we were playing a third division team and their two best players turned up right when we felt most comfortable, which lulled us into a false sense of security, or maybe it was a return to the pits, or maybe it was too much soccer last week, or maybe it Manchester United on the threshold of winning the premier league as well as the champions league for the second year running.

Maybe it was because we knew we were going to the chief afterward, maybe the thought of the chief depressed and saddened us because we know it is a shit venue and the captain was yet again trying to fuck us, which he likes to do these days, but maybe I am too harsh on the captain for he pay us back the extra money he owed us that he overcharged at the bushfire soccer fundraiser, or maybe the thought of the chief reminded us that we are not young men anymore, like those heady days when Cocky was first going for a job at ACMI, and the place was lively, and it was not deserted like it is now, and we still felt the thrill at the anticipation of competitive sport when it was not hard to get all excited with many butterflies in our tummies at the mere mention of playing on the hallowed turf of the APISC, when work was not too much, and multiple babies didn’t make sleep difficult, and partners / wives did not tear us away from the pitch, and we played against suckers that we could take down ten nil, when we could go out afterward and drink until midnight with many reefers and the promise of the odd impromptu thrown in, when we are not thinking about the next day, when we were not thinking about performing and being coherent when meeting with the CEO and senior management, when the ride was not a struggle, when our thigh muscles did not ache for two days after running, when our bodies were repairing themselves overnight, when we could still perform complex cerebral tasks after about 2pm after drinking five beers and smoking countless reefers the night before, when soccer seemed like it would go on forever, but now we are perhaps thinking differently, thinking how we preserve the little energy, the little strength, the little endurance that is left in our bodies, maybe we are thinking about a switch to a sport that has less impact that does not take as much time to recover from, that will not fuck us up bad for weeks on end if we do happen to have a mishap, but then maybe we think that these thoughts are all a bit premature and we remember teams like the wasted youth who were mostly forty-five plus and were still able to whip much younger men like us in our heyday, and maybe we will stat thinking about playing smarter, letting the ball do the work instead of us doing it, which has been the Nanna way for many a year but maybe getting older is exactly what the Nannas need to reinvigorate our game, our style of play, maybe it is what we need to conserve out energies and bodies so that we have a good another ten years in us, and then some.

MATCHREPORT 2009_04_09 (2 of 4)

April 14, 2009match reportjimbob

The night started badly for the Nannas
First was the issue of a Nannas exodus. Sure it was Easter and sure a lot of Nannas be whipped by their respected misuses but this was a crucial game. It was the week before the finals. It was a week that the Nannas needed to work out combinations, settle on formation, find form.
NB: Word on the street has it that one or two Nannas were still in town on Thursday night, packing trailers or some shit. It is only a rumour mind.

There was the issue of a missing match report,which left many Nannas feeling betrayed, stricken, rudderless—one was even seen vomiting in the bin outside the stadium. The author of this report has subsequently said that his girlfriend will provide him a note but we all know what that means.

Then the ref turned up a good ten minutes late and allowed the opposition to bring on a merry stream of subs from the teams lining up to play after us. An official complaint has been lodged.

Finally our Brazilian import, who Tao promised had more foot skills than a raver on half a dozen pills, said that he would have to go to another game at eight, leaving us in the lurch for the last half of the second stanza.

The tight five
The righteous Nannas were: Tao, Kondo, Gilla, I (James) and our Brazilian import, Geido.

The game
For the first five minutes the Nannas line up against an opposition of four. We were lazy, we were sluggish, we were sloppy, and soon we were a goal down. But we hit back pretty swiftly when I (James) fed a speculative cross court ball to Tao, standing five metres out from goal. I thought he side netted but the ball, so I am told, went in.

And this is how it went for the rest of the game. The Nannas not quite with it in defence but able to rally and keep on level terms.

Our main problem was losing the ball mid court with one or two men caught up front, leaving the back outnumbered and exposed. It be a common problem for the brown men, and one that the coach and captain will need to account for come game day this week.

To be fair though, we were a disjointed outfit, with our style of play not befitting all members of the team—Geido especially. His foot skills and constant need of the ball did at times perplex us. Yet, there were a few notable occasions when we did function as a unit, holding the ball for at least one or two passes and communicating with a reasonable amount of composure.

In the end the opposition pulled a couple of goals in front and we could not pull it back.

Special mentions
Tao: for not getting into a fight but also holding the Nannas together when must of us thought we were elsewhere.

Kondo: for some inspired running, especially in defence. On more than one occasion he was the crucial stopper of an opposition move, intercepting at the pivotal moment.

Kondo: for taking us to one of the finest Japanese eating establishments in town.

Geido: for putting up with a team of soccer fools, who are not a patch on his Brazilian-ness.

Gilla: for bringing his unwashed dirty jocks to the game–such a treat.

Gilla: for keeping the opposition’s goals to only eight when it could have easily been twenty eight.

And I (James): for popping up twice for two consecutive Gilla throws: the first caused a goalie own goal; the second came off the top of my foot. Two minutes, two throws, two goals.

Match Report 2009_03_26

April 2, 2009match reportbrown

vs The Annual 7-2
CB 1, DC, CG, AW, TH, TW, JH, RH

We won, we beat ’em. We slammed them back into their hungry cave. And King Lion was still King Lion.

As it turned out Troika (“Your fellow drinkers are likely to be 20-or-30-somethings (maybe even 40-somethings) who prefer to live near the edge but not on it”) was quite a good post-match venue choice. Although it was fairly deflating Jim’s tenacious reluctance to embrace the opportunity to take his fellow Nannas somewhere other than the Windsor. Oh well.

So Cocky is in Shanghai now and Rhian is in Castlemaine and I’ve left it so late to write this. It’s 7.46pm and I have to pick up Gilly at 8.

What else? It’s very hot. 32 degrees today the second of April. Last day of term tomorrow for the primary school junior Nannas (ie. El, Lu, Otis and Freya.)

matchreport 090305 3/3 (the definitive report)

March 19, 2009match reportjimbob

The tight five configuration
It was a Nanna tight five configuration. Gill in goal, Tao carousing up front, Chassy and Cocky fiddling in the middle, and I, James, sitting in behind deep, just the way I like it.

Waiting for the kick off someone was overheard to say, ‘surely this is the tightest of the tight fives.’ There was no response, except after a while, another was heard to mutter, ‘that won’t please the captain.’

Nor will it please the coach, who has spoken before in none-too-happy tones about Nanna splinter groups. The Chassy–Cocky splinter group, not to mention Captain–Coach upper management group have always created unnecessary jealousies.

The game—first half.
In the first half the tightest of the tight fives stuttered somewhat. Sure we went in 3–1 up at halftime but all of us knew we were somewhat fortunate to have such a lead. Cocky was the first to score, with what seemed like to me all hussle. But asking him about it, he shrugged his shoulders and stated, ‘all arse’.

After that, apart from some nice work from the Chasm, our passing, or should I say my passing, was very shit. But on the plus side, our D was holding the opposition in check very nicely, except for one occasion when they tore us open pretty good, and Gill was exposed and subsequently beaten.

The game—second half.
The second half was much better from a Brown point of view. The half-openings that we had managed to cock-up in the first period due to shit passing, started to come together (I know I am mixing my metaphors here but I can’t think of anything else to say). There were at least five or six times when at least half a dozen passes were strung together resulting in goals or near misses.

In the first bit of the second half, the brilliance of our play put us 5–1 up, and we were cruising. But as often happens we became a bit over confident and over committed up front. The opposition pounced and pulled a couple of goals back, to bring it back to 5–3 with about 8 minutes to go.

But then I got the easiest goal of the season. The opposition goalie left his line to put a ball into touch. He and all his comrades walked lazily back into position leaving a gaping goalmouth. It was here that Cocky, who had seen the opportunity, pounced. Like a man possessed he ran to collect the ball and placed on the touch line. And just as he was thinking that no other brown had had spotted the open goal, I, James, ran past all the opposition players, whereupon Cocky fed the crucial pass. The loser opposition keeper sensed the danger but could not get back in time. I slotted home. The loser keeper complained to the ref, but the ref said fair play and the goal stood.

Special mentions
Special mention goes to Chasm for being the most beautiful and busy man on court.
Special mention goes to Cocky for a four goal feast and some scintillating passing.
Special mention goes to Tao for telling the ref where to shove it, earning a yellow.
Special mention goes to Gill for putting many shots on goal, and not once hitting the roof—I suspect some backyard practice may be going on.
Special mention goes to me, James, for scoring the easiest goal of the season.

match report 090226

March 3, 2009match reportstriker

5-5 v Boomin Back Atcha
DC m 2, CB 1, TW 1, JH 1, AW m, TH, CG gk, TK

They don’t drive cars, they don’t drink and they have those really creepy beards without mustaches. But the weirdest thing about the Amish is their belief that pride is evil. Hence why their kids leave school at fourteen to work in factories and hence why some of those same kids get the hell out and start dealing meth with the local pickup driving godless heathens. Strange as it may seem there are in fact similarities between the Amish and the Nannas – a bond of Brotherhood, strange beards, barely closeted innuendo and some hard living times spent sleeping on the floor in Hastings. But there is one place where these two communities of like minded souls do not meet and that place has a name. It’s the name that King Lion uses when he’s talking about his Lion King family. It’s also a name closely associated with the gay movement but we’ll leave that alone for now. Pride. That’s what I’m talking about, and not in an Obama “go to the polls” kind of way, I’m talking about the pride in seeing a group of individual units come together to form a complex emergent system that is greater than the sum of it’s constituent elements. Pride in seeing your brother Nanna giving his utmost for the team, running till it hurts, sweating till it feels like something is going to pop in his head, shoving the opposition until he gets a yellow card, yelling at the ref until he starts awarding penalties to the other team, but most of all pride in seeing your brother nanna yelling at his team mates mid game… what a minute… ahhh… that’s not quite where this tale was meant to be headed…

So, 5 a piece. The Nannas were all over them at half time, but some how they came back, Jim the Amish barn raiser had a clear goal disallowed because the ref is technically blind. Tom yelled at the ref from the corner (but not at his fellow nannas), Chassy slotted in a superb ground hugger (jim take note) after a rapid fire 1-2 from the sideline (but he did keep tryong to tack the ball of his own team mates). Speaking of which, Jim took a free kick just as I was lining it up (which really pissed me off), though I was glad to hear that he wasn’t subbing as i had first thought. I miscued a shot early on and shinned the ball but somehow their goalie fumbled it in. Giller made some magnificent saves, some predictably crap kicks into the roof (ouch!) and one tasteful throw that hit me in the back of the head and bounced in. Kondo’s positioning was perfect for a Walmartin Backdoor™ but the goalie got just enough to it. Tao put in an extremely solid display, hustling, shooting and yelling. Wal also put in a MOM worthy display. Jim was shit.

The other big news for the night was the birthday celebs for Lord Chassy, first Earl of Martindale, takin’ it northside to the little creatures ‘gay beer’ hall. Mussels, shanks, not so little pilseners, waitresses with love beads. Then ditching the softcocks (kudos to the funky nanna) we touched it and went to the black cat for panty stains and some bespoke dubstep phatness. Pert passersby pressing themselves against the glass and mouthing sweet obscenities at chassy for his birthday, Walmartin talking up the benefits of ‘the ratio’. A gentlemanly lift in the funkswick falcon to the sunroom® (think viper room) followed by more beats, a cleansing pale ale or two (well actually just one), a similarly abstemious attitude towards the lords good herb and an in depth analysis of the VCI-300.

tidy.

ps. I may have got the goals wrong
pps. here’s a fun game fro the comments – match the Nanna to his Amish brother
ppps. from frasay “If Andy and Chazzy had a love child, he’d look like this guy.”

Hartley, who faced 32 charges of fraud, used a number of aliases including Anthony Edward Hartley, Gregory Mulligan and Tony Lorenzo, Detective Felicity Mansell of Feilding police said.

Match Report 2009_02_18

February 24, 2009match reportbrown

vs Los Pitufos won 4-1
CB 2, AW 1, TH 1, DC, RH, CG, TK, JH
MOM CB/RH

We dropped a goal near the start of the game and trailed Los Pitufos right through to the beginning of the second half. This engendered rather a lot of indignant anger and determination to show those punks who was boss. This was actually quite good for the Nannas as we focussed and got back in the game.

CB got a couple of goals near the start of the second half that put us in front 2-1. TH very casually slotted a blistering strike into the back of the net from outside the D. Then AW off a long run into his favourite position near the back door delivered his trademark finish putting us into a commanding lead 4-1.

The opposition were perhaps too tricky for their own good with a lot of gratuitous footwork which often resulted in them accidentally kicking the ball away and losing it. The major culprit was heard to say repetitively throughout the first half..”easy, too easy, it’s easy” which was somewhat irksome. Once we were in the lead he stopped saying this. I guess we showed him that “no fuckbuckle playing the Nannas is not ‘easy’ and never will be so don’t fuck with king lion fool!”

RH is too be commended for a very solid and focussed in-form game and a well-deserved MOM.

Props also to my cuzzies David and Solomon for their support. They have now commenced their circumnavigation of the continent in the Mighty Blue Magna (stuffed to the brim with guitars, surfboards and tents).

Match Report 19_02_09

February 24, 2009match report, Uncategorizedcaptain

vs Los Pitufos
Nannas win 4-1
CB 2, DC, JH, AW 1, TK, RH, CG, TH 1
CB,RH MOM

It’s a win and a win it had to be, as Los Pitufos have the agility of pizza dough and the ball skills of a fat mans arse.

The most perplexing thing is that Los Pitufos won the first half!

The second half however was a much grander affair and, much like last week, the Nannas really pulled together as only a team of nannas can. Beautiful manouvres through the middle, speed on the wing and a back door man that has claimed that entry as his own.

The fact that the Mom is tied is testimont to the unity for which the Nanna bretherin performed. It could easily have been an eight way tie for MOM and perhaps that would have been fairest.

As I sit here in a darkened theatre, scanning the forms of scantily clad dancers parading their wears for my pleasure it is hard to not think of my team mates and how the symmetry of their movement could easily be described as choreography. If we were to simply purchase leotards and the services of an avant garde soundsmith we too could sell ourselves as art. But I digress.

Match Report 2009_02_12

February 17, 2009match reportbrown

vs Dirty Waffles
Nannas win 3-1
CB 2, DC 1, JH, AW, TW, RH, CG, TH
CB MOM

The Dirty Waffles. Dirty. Angry. Not good to eat, but good to beat.

They don’t like losing but lose they did to a strong, cohesive unit of brown men playing at their best.

It should be noted that although someone has to receive the MOM, tonight was exemplary for its display of teamwork and commitment across the board.

The game began with immediate ferocity with The Dirty Waffles determined to exploit their physical superiority by dubious means. However it is a testament to all Nannas that we managed to ignore most of the argy-bargy and get on and play the game. CB got an early goal after being ankle-tapped and off balance and surging towards the keeper got a lucky bounce and ran it in to the net. Running back triumphant from scoring he ran past the player who had ankle-tapped him who then proceeded to violently ram his elbow into CB’s chest. The guy is freaking massive so CB declined to battle and offered his hand in a truce saying to him “that’s just too dangerous man!”.

DC added to the Nannas score with a powerful strike from just outside the D. So now we were 2-0 up and the Waffles started really firing up. They are a tactical team and they started putting together some very good cross court passing and offensive plays that in the past have opened the Nannas right up and enabled them to thrash us quite easily. However tonight the Nannas were holding position and marking players tightly which shut down their operations again and again rendering them ineffective.

CB scored once more from a solo run up court to put the Nannas in an unassailable position for the final few minutes.

Mighty brown victory Nannas!!

Match Report 2009_02_05

February 5, 2009match reportbrown

vs The Annual lost 2-4
CB 1, TK, TH, RH 1, JH, AW
MOM CB

It wasn’t as hot as last week but it was a hot, trim Nanna contingent that took the court this week with the lean six.
Apparently not hot and trim enough to unseat the Phase wannabe beeyatches in their headbands and over zealous 50-50 ball challenges.

The Nannas took a while to hit their straps tonight and a few soft goals in the first half allowed the enemy to open a gaping lead of 3-0 by half time.

The second half was won by us 2-1 but was too little too late.

I got the first goal: a right footer into the top/ middle of the net from the edge of the D after a scramble in front of goal.

The second goal was a lovely finish by the Captain on the left from a cross court ball from me.

Dan and Guy were in New Zealand for a wedding. There are rumours that the BPBD may make an appearance in our next match.

This game occurred before the weekend of the Victorian bushfires. The Brown-Smiths were camping in Warburton that weekend only 45km from Marysville which burnt to the ground. Thankfully we are all safe and made it back to Melbourne with no incident. We did witness the darkening sky, red sun and black rain of Saturday afternoon which was also the hottest day ever recorded in Melbourne: 46 degrees.

Special mention goes to Marion, Izzy, Coco and Gabrielle (my mum) for their support.

Protected: match report 090122

January 28, 2009match reportstriker

Match Report: 08 January 2009

January 11, 2009match reportjimbob

Nannas v Booming Back Atcha

Score: 5 v 4

Attendees: JH, DC, TH, CG, TK, GF, RH, TW

Goals: JH 2, DC 1, CG 1, RH 1

MOM: JH

The evening:

Kondo was the first to turn up to a Nanna event with an I-Phone; Saskia started crawling, at the very tender age of 6 months; Cocky, disciplined for his MOM duties non-compliance, was stripped of his post-match vote; and two Nannas were faced with an hour’s drive home, setting a very dangerous precedent.

The game:

The excesses of Christmas proved somewhat befuddling; maybe it was the un-ventilated arena; perhaps it was the bloated eight, which for the first half ended up being a perfect seven, confusing us even more because Coach had pulled together the sub sheet for the former; probably it’s just the way the Nannas play these days.

Nanna skulls were fuzzy, so much so that it looked like several of us had come down with a severe case of the Chasms in D. After kick-off and then the restart Nannas sprang hither and tither like rabbits in a warren fleeing from a ferret. There were moments when every time the opposition got the ball, many a Nanna erupted in a cold fever shouting, screaming, and generally doing everything they could to upset their comrades.

Yet, while the Nannas did go briefly behind, once they got in front they were never headed.

The opposition did have skills, especially in the turning and shooting department, which Coach found out much to his amazement/chagrin just before time. But these skills were not team wide, and what was similarly evident was their lack of cohesion in defence, which came from their shit keeper who did not inspire between the opposition sticks, letting in a couple of howlers.

Gill got one from a speculative throw. Against all nay-sayers Gill continues to pepper the opposition’s goal, as well as all parts of the stadium, with a fertile foot and looping arm.

Striker kept up his goal average with a low trajectory shot. Cocky likes to preach about the merit of some golden rule he apparently heard Arsene mutter. Cocky is to be commended for the example he set on this evening—wanker.

Hinkley got one too, through a head goal, or header. This long throw to a head waiting expectantly up front has long been a Nanna sucker punch, much like Tao’s in off corner move. On a good day, when things are going for us, it goes in and everyone is happy, but on bad days it becomes an over-used act of desperation, similar to the Nanna one-touch that goes to no one.

I got two, praise be to me, though the first was a lolly pop off my right that my twenty-month could have got in front of.

Special mention must go to Guy Fraser, the pure embodiment of zeal. To see him pick out a much faster man, hunt him down like a crazed animal until the quarry falls in a heap of desperation and then perform the reach around on him is to know true brown.

Special mention also goes to Kondo for letting a bunch of never satisfied technology nerds get a hold of his newly acquired I-Phone.

Match Report 081204

December 17, 2008match reportbestlookingnanna

DC(1) CG(1) CB(1) AW TW TH JH RH(Coach)
Three way MOM-RH TW DC

Now there is a good reason for writing your match report very soon after the game and that is because who can remember shit this long after it. What I do remember is that the Nanna’s stepped up and took the challenge head on. It was inspiring to see some serious dedication from my fellow Nanna’s. We took on a team that well and truly embarrassed us on more than one occasion and we took it to them and actually had them for a while. There was nothing to be embarrassed about on that night. Every Nanna pulled their heart out of their chest and threw it on the court for all to see and there those hearts throbbed all bloody red and beautiful.

Not only did we play like champions but we played with respect for each other and the opposition.

We need to take what we had in that game and bring it with us into the next season.

Special mention has to go out to the Sisters that played their final last weekend and won. And while it’s nice to get a finals trophy again the new ones are seriously fucking ugly.

Match Report 04-12-08

December 11, 2008match reportcaptain

4-3 loss to some cocks

DC(1) CG(1) CB(1) AW TW TH JH RH(Coach)
Three way MOM-RH TW DC

When I was about five years old I found a pool of water in the driveway of our house and in that pool was a thin layer of diesel. Trapped within that thin layer was a rainbow – I thought to myself “Now I know what beauty is”.

At the age of fourteen or maybe fifteen Paulette Dunne finally undid the last button on her school blouse in her mothers sewing room and revealed a section of flesh that I had never before witnessed off the printed page. “Ahhhh” I thought, ” now I know what beauty is”.

Beauty stayed relatively unchanged for many years until I met my lovely wife and then agian unchanged until the birth of my daughters – “Surely” I thought, “now I truly know beauty and I can die happy”.

But I was wrong. The fourth of December 2008 will go down and history as the day that Beauty was finally laid to rest. Seven brown men pulsating in unison to the beat of just one drum – and what a drum.
What a beautiful drum.
The Nanna drum of beauty.

match report 081204

December 5, 2008match reportstriker

all the necceasaries have been covered by more onto it, better looking and more dedicated members of the nanna bretheren who truly do the name MOM proud. Now mock freely.

27-11-08 (the hardest game of the season)

December 3, 2008match reportjimbob

Nannas v Russians

2–16

GF, TH, TW, AW, JH

The hardest game of the season; the Nannas were always going to have a tough time.

First, there was talk of camping resulting in three Nannas fucking off somewhere breaking the Nanna’s and Cocky’s heart.

Second, there was lots of champagne drunk immediately before the game.

Third, we were all high on an art opening, Andy especially.

Fourth, it was a scratch match, and we had confirmation before kick-off that we were in the finals.

Fifth, we were playing the Russians, who had on their team a player of mammoth skill, his footwork so great that most of the nannas, high and drunk, could hardly make out his constantly twirling feet, let alone manage to get in his way, or even touch him—as so many of us wanted to do, in our inebriated admirated states.

Yes, the odds were stacked against us. But the Nannas battled bravely and there were moments of magic.

There was Tao on the turn, rapping the ball onto the post and into goal.

There was Tao again, going the nut and getting a red card for his efforts. At the time the Nannas were probably down 10–nil but Tao only knows one way, which is to find an opponent, whack him as hard as he can, whack him again, and then for good measure whack him once more.

There was Tommy throwing his gloves to the ground in disgust. There is some rule somewhere (which the Russians knew, mind you) that states that if you have a player sent off, you can send on a player in his place after three minutes. The Russians had a replacement to send on and did so; we did not and could not. Tommy said, ‘fuck this, and fuck you [to the Russians]’ and then stormed off.

There was Andy, all buff and shit, steaming up the camera for the post match shot. Yes Andy is a very sexual man and to hell if anyone knows it. Andy knows of course that indoor soccer is only a game but the real test of a man is his attractiveness to other men. Andy does us all proud.

There was Ghee, after a long flight, after much champagne, after much feeling up of art folk, all steel and sweat, striding onto the court. Sure his skills were a bit rusty, sure he had trouble getting to grips with the very regimented Nanna game plan but fuck me did he run, fuck me did he try.

match report 081113

November 21, 2008match reportstriker

11-4 vs New Holland
TH, CG (gk), AW(1, mom), CB, RH, DC(3, mom), TW, JH

Quite possibly the most supporters ever seen at a nannas match. Admittedly all but one were blood relations of a team member but it was still an impressive turn out. I think perhaps Ivy Hinkleys first game? and three generations of browns in the house, not to mention three iterations of crooks ransom confusion.

But of the match, well we were pretty soundly outplayed for most of it. That’s not to say we played badly but the other team definitely had some moves, damn their eyes. Our opening goal came via a sweet through ball from the middle generation brown which old man crooker managed to toe poke across the face of the goal. The second was a trademark Walmartin backdoor special into the roof of the net. Jim was stumbling around like some kind of soccer somnambulist. The coach made a great one two run but double footed himself in front of goal. Wal managed to raise the ire of one of the new dutch cockney douche nozzles (double code bonus) and Tao of course had to get in there and start throwing his weight around (code bonus and violation negating each other). Rhian must have been doing something as must Giller (apart from letting in goals and kicking balls at the roof) but I can’t really remember, or perhaps they were trying to recruit more nannas for their little ‘camping’ holiday on the last Thursday of the season ???!!!&*^%*&^%… anyway I’ll just finish up with the dead sitter I missed followed by the two headers that I got !? miraculous (and kudos to Giller where kudos is due, even if he is going camping with the “anal explorer”*)

and, dammit, no team photo taken with all the kids, I mean supporters…

* ask the coach

Match report-301008 (part b)

November 7, 2008match reportjimbob

Few things are a worse sight in sport than that of an errant team trying to find its way back to form. The Nannas fall into the above two categories: our form foul, our ways exceedingly wayward. But such is the nature of a team that continues to start badly; such is the nature of team where the starting line up is more unpredictable than Cocky’s facial hair; such is the nature of team that in recent weeks has, as Gill says, lacked any menace whatsoever—even after the coach’s roasting a couple of weeks back.
On this evening a bad start was again how we began. Like a final a couple of seasons back, like only last week, the Nannas let four goals in before it dawned on us that we were playing competitive sport, and losing badly. Yet it does have to be said that we were up against some sharp and shrewd passing and running. I recall the ball being played diagonally to just in front of where captain was backpedalling for all he was worth. The ball eluded said glorious leader but found an opponent who pasted one past Gill.
It is true that on occasion we are slow out of the blocks, you might also note that there are many sci-fi nerds who play Brown, you might even go so far as to say that some Nannas like each other too much, but never ever utter that Brown men of any ilk lack backbone. With four goals against us, so began the Nanna fightback. This time around Chassy, a man of colossal spine, led the revolt, slotting home the first. As women are to nagging, so is Chassy to opponents; as vultures are to dead meat, so is Chassy to the ball. Inspired by such brownliness, we went into the break four–two down, after I was called on to slot home a penalty—why it was awarded I really cannot recall.
The second half was won by the Nannas four goals to two. At one stage we were two in front but could not hold it. I cannot recall how our opponents managed to get back on level terms with us in the second stanza, but I am sure it was all arse and much undeserved.
Of the rest of the game, there are only fleeting pockets of remembrances.

But I do remember what occurred post match and the now infamous MOM vote. While there is conjecture as to who initiated the cock up voting for MOM the first time, when the second ballot was called for there is no doubt that Cocky became the first Nanna in the history of Nannadom to cast his vote in standard donkey fashion. For such disrespect, Cocky goes into the next match, in my opinion at least, with a code violation against his name.

Match Report 2008_10_16

October 21, 2008match reportbrown

vs Los Pitufos
Loss 1-2
CB1, DC, AW, JH, TH, CG, TK, RH
MOM CB

Shit dang it! Had it half written. Didn’t save. Shut down Safari.

Here goes again.. The floor at Wesley is now shiny and sprung. APISC didn’t get their shit together to put floor protectors on the base of the goals so we had to play with micro-goals.

The Nannas know what they like and they like what they know. Whether it be pottles of tartare or beachbox poker or ton ju or the word butthole or regulation size freaking futsal goals! So perhaps it threw us more than the other team (who were bottom of the ladder mind you- oh the ignominy!) when presented with goals the size of laptops. DC was particularly aghast at the change and could be heard muttering angry words ‘gainst said goals making him look quite the dementia patient. Joining in the metaphor TH rebuked him in his sternest matronly tones and told him to get on and kick a goal. Which unfortunately the most Strikerly among us could not do on this low evening.

CG was still suffering from Ebola and allowed not one but TWO goals to sully the back of the crocheted thimble he was guarding.

The rest of us did OK but not OK enough. TH was in fighting form on the sidelines trying to rip a hole in his vocal cords as he bellowed encouragement and rebukes in equal measure.

CB managed to snake a ball into the net in the second half. It was a left footer and it blasted its way in from well outside the D. CB came close to equalising when another shot tickled the goal frame for a little longer than is decent before scurrying away in disgrace.

It was great to have the Tokyo Terror fresh out of Tokyo and back in the fold. TK put in a solid game of hussling and is still fitter than the rest of us even after three months away.

Speaking of which Spring is well upon us and its time for the Nannas to start going for those morning sprint sessions, lifting weights, riding bikes, swimming out to the heads and back etc. In short, fitness is lacking, some of us are pushing late 30’s, we need to work at it. We need at least two out of these three: fitness, skills, will to win.

Tight like an 8 way butthole. You know what I am talking about Jimmy dear.

match report 081009

October 14, 2008match reportstriker

5-8 vs ?
CB2, DC2m, JH1, THgk, AW

A tight five squad of nannas hit the court, the coaches fighting words of the previous report still ringing in their ears. A hunger unseen the previous week was in their bellies and in their feet but something else was missing. Perhaps it was Jim’s focus, having given that precious commodity to the green flat-mate before the game. Perhaps it was Tao. Perhaps it was Cora’s middle name. Perhaps it was the good idea that might rescue my show. Hell, maybe it was the Force, that mysterious energy which binds together all the merchandisable objects at skywalker ranch.
Who knows?
Andy drove halfway to Northcote before being forced back by the traffic.
I ate some milkybar.
Chassy prepared to be divided into 5 for a major Telco.
The Captain prepared to operate the hit show of the Melbourne Festival.
Gilly prepared a special wilting solution for his penis.
who knows ?
the cantankerous lung butter certainly had no idea of the impact it would have on Jims occular vascularity.
but enough speculation, enough short selling, let’s talk actualities, lets talk government guaranteed deposits in the back of the net.
a couple from chassy – returning to form. one from Jim that was verbally helped across the line by the coach/keeper, 2 from the author, one of which was a tap-in after a perfectly timed and sweetly weighted layoff from the walmartin. which again puts me in the mind of mooting the addition of some kind of ‘pass of the match’ gong… I’ll leave the logistics of that little chestnut with upper nannagment.
who knows ?
a half kilo of beef at the windsor, jim saying ‘get fucked’ upon hearing Issy and Cora’s surname whilst constantly reminding the diners of his elevated mental state.
beer.

match report – 081002 – part II (the crap part)

October 8, 2008match reportstriker

3-4 The Annual
DC2m TH1m CB JH CGgk

there’s not much to add to the coach’s eloquent appraisal of the game.
they wanted it more and we played like crap (and chewing gum).
it was actually quite like how I imagine it is for teams with more skills playing a fired up nannas side, complete with a stuperboot ricochet and the captain’s patented glancing header. the coach did get a sweet stuperchip though….

Match report (part 3) 190808

September 23, 2008match report, Uncategorizedwalmartin

Dear Nannas, apologies for the out-of-sequence match report. and the brievity. I have been too distracted with sorting out my 0000’s to navigate into the system. Captian, please cut/paste this in.

I feel the previous two match reports have covered accurately and beautifully the match and menu details. It was a great game Nannas. Lots of physical. Special mention to Jim in goals. And Tao for flipping the sickbed and kicking goals.

The Threeway is a tricky one. One minute you’re slapping on the KY, next minute you’re biting the bedhead, and you’ve spotted the webcam. There are numerous issues. Some foreseen. Others not. The excitement. The thrill. Do you stay the night and hope for another session in the morning, or do you leave on a high with the bite marks still fresh?

The nannas choose both, and that’s what I admire.

The second installment—threeway match report—190808

September 23, 2008match reportjimbob

6—4 vs Dirty Waffles

JH(gk), TW(2), AW, RH, DC(4)
MOM: dc, jh, aw

Well, I do not really remember much about the last Nanna outing, my concentration, or perhaps nervous tension, kept me so focussed on shot stopping (not getting whacked) that half the game seems to have gone unregistered by my memory banks.

Well, the Nannas were lacking, in personnel that is. Coach and Gill gave no explanation for their non-appearance and Chas, with arse hairs flaring, proudly announced that he was off to bask at the beach—so much for the brown brotherhood.

Well, we were a paltry four until Tao, gulping at a V, ran in to save our bacon. But then the question, who would deputise in goals? Captain put forth that I was a natural choice, shouting proudly that my ball skills were impeccable, flawless, unblemished. So here I was trying to figure out what the Captain and my ball skills had been up to, and more importantly what the Chasm would think about it, when the game started, with me standing in goals.

Well, AWong, the very bravest of MOMs, was in a very scything mood on this evening. Sure he might not look like anything like Roy Keane but fuck me does he do a good impression of the former Man U hard man’s ankle–knee–groin grind. He was bringing people down from behind, poaching balls from in front, and then, just for fun, threatening to grab all and sundry’s gonads: AWong a true mountain of strength and stamina. As the Captain noted post game, the patented ‘Nanna crumble’ never came about, and that was due largely to AWong.

Well, Tao, angry, ever vigilant for even the slightest insult or knock, lay into his immediate opponent at every opportunity. Yes, it would not be a Nannas’ game without our man of fury tearing up the court, cutting a swathe through any hope the opposition had of a civil, friendly fixture. To be fair, Tao did almost recreate his magical volley from the grand final a couple of seasons back, but this time he only found an opponent instead of goal. But he did manage a cracking strike getting contact with the top of his foot, angling the shot upwards and into the roof of the goal.

Well, then there is Striker. Striker was in full flight for all of the game, not only toward goal but also defending ours. Apparently he scored four goals but what was really evident was his passing and movement. Usually Striker has some difficultly with distribution. Some people put it down to a subconscious fear of teammates, myself I think it is more to do with a lack of practice. Whatever affected him in the past did not on this evening, he was all side-foots, back-heals and running, lots of running.

Well, last but by no means least is Captain. While I know Captain did play, I don’t actually remember him being on court. And this, frankly, is the way it should be. Captains in my opinion should be invisible, spreading themselves like glue throughout a team with quiet pats on the backside, rants at errant team members, and lots and lots of shouting to build morale. It was all there from the Captain, well so I imagine.

match report – 080918

September 23, 2008match reportstriker

6-2 vs Dirty Waffles (or was it 6-4?)
JH(gk), TW(2), AW, RH, DC(4)
MOM = threeway = dc + 2? (no gearstick ripping or sheepskin back of the calf* brushing involved)

Dirty Waffles ?, is that the scatological equivalent of a soggy biscuit ?

Anyway, the flurry yet again revealed a lack of commitment from various sections of the nanna brotherhood. I won’t go into it further but let’s just say that some nannas need to take a long hard look at themselves (Jim, I don’t mean it like that). But one Nanna with full commitment was Tao, rising from his hospice bed to cough and yell for the full 36 minutes demanded of a tight five. He even managed to slide a couple into the back of net. Jim “the gear stick” Hannon is also deserving of the highest kudos for stepping into goals. With legs of steel, impeccable timing off the line and some fine distribution Jim’s skills belied his 5th string rating. Our defense was mainly solid with only a couple of slip-ups but the midfield was where it was all happening. At points the passing cross court was woeful but generally there was some of the tightest ball movement seen in a while, one-twos, back to the goalie and opening up down the flanks, slicing open the defense through the middle. Up front a couple of finishes were decidedly poor but a couple were struck pretty sweetly too. The opposition had some ball skills but they didn’t really have the hunger and it has to be said that we would have been pretty crap to have lost.

cut to the Windsor and there has been a change of menu, the ribeye now comes with a ‘jus’ and no mash. The portabellos were pretty tight but it required the insight of the nannas resident life coach Andy wong to realise that chips were also required. Interestingly enough I was surprised to see that when the chips arrived Andy went for the ‘spray sauce all over the top of the chips’ technique. I have always favoured the ‘dipping’ model, arguing that this keeps the chips crisp and you don’t end up with that gluggy mess at the end. But bowing to Andys superior understanding of the natural order I expect there is something I’m missing, or perhaps there is some witty link back to gluggy mess/soggy biscuit/dirty waffle at the beginning of the report – thomas ?

ok lastly on a more chronologically fixed note. After nearly two years of avidly consumed rumours and hearsay, the Canon 5DII has finally been announced, looks like the mingin’ shit and even shoots 1080p but the HDMi out would appear to have overlays (soggy shitcakes) but it only gets crazier, Jim Jannard has announced that the specs for scarlett have totally changed, same price, same delivery date but heaps better ?! I need it so bad.

• as of going to print no member of the Nannas yet has an iPhone
• Obama is back in the lead
• the global financial crisis deepens as the US federal bailout is meet with market skepticism
• damian hirst has a ‘primary’ auction and sells £170m worth of ‘meaningless’ art on the same day Lehman Bros folds
• the liberals no longer have a wombat as leader
• david foster wallace Dies at 46
• david rosetzky exhibits the first work of australian video art shot on red
• chassy says ‘fvck ads’
• thomas goes to yet another primavera opening
• otis, elliot and lucien all attend tennis training camp for the school holidays
• the mighty gunners go top of the table
• 30 Rock is very funny (even have discussion with random stranger about how great Alec Baldwin is)
• art angst reigns as the supreme bringer of bad times in the life of the author
• daughters smiling and practicing mongolian throating singing is the bringer of the good times
• 2GBs + 4 off-peak really doesn’t cut it when you don’t have supplemental governmental access
• putting 70GB uncompressed files from a MAC onto a PC formatted disk proves pretty much impossible

ok that will probably do

The reach-around – follow-through—Match Report 081109 (B)

September 15, 2008match reportjimbob

Yes, for those Nannas present on this glorious evening there was only beauty to be beheld. Beauty in a Nanna line up whose efforts in attack were only matched by the magnificence residing in their shorts.

Yes, the Nannas were well hung and didn’t we know it. The brown men strutted onto court legs akimbo, bulging in the trouser: men of virulence ready for any manly challenge ahead. And while the surface to be played on was greasier than Guy Fraser’s underwear after a long stint internet gazing, our control and assuredness under foot was never in question.

Yes, while there were examples aplenty of Nanna pace, power, poise, passing, purpose, presence, persistence, pugnaciousness, penetration and execution, the following (in chronological order) were the standouts.

Yes, Striker took possession of the ball, just on our side of halfway. Like only a striker can he ignored every plea of support from his comrades and took off in search of goal. On his way there he encountered every player for the opposition. Did he fluently and fleet-of-foot step around and through their challenges I hear you ask? Not a bit of it. Instead he was intent on running into them, using his pure manliness to force the ball down field. One by one they fell by the wayside until he was one on one with the goalie who, in a panic, wet his pants. Striker picked his spot and found it.

Yes, AWong found himself streaming down the right hand side after a ball that had come loose of Nanna possession. Just before he reeled it in he stole a glance across court. To his left a group of players were waiting: Nannas expectant for the cross, the opposition scheming a defence. But AWong is known as the backdoor specialist and with good reason—once a fellow tastes the sweet delights of the alternative avenue to goal he will never want it any other way, and so it was on this evening. Reaching the ball his brain had already computed the angle and pace that he would have to strike, and strike he did, threading the eye of the needle so perfectly that one Nanna went into fits of ecstatic joy the moment it left AWong’s boot.

Yes, Gill had been pinging away at goal for most of the match and his efforts were, for the most part, powerful and penetrating, rendering his opposite number a slobbering mess at the other end of the court. But just for sport he laid the ball at his feet, held his hand high in the air, and then took a few steps back. When everyone was ready he strode surely forth, cocked his leg and swung swiftly, sending a distinct smack throughout the arena. Such was the pace imparted on the projectile that it held its height, barely a metre from the earth, as it curved from left to right, as lefties are wont to do, toward net. The crowd gasped as Gill and his opposite number raised their hands in anticipation, but at the crucial moment Striker materialised out of thin air sticking his right hoof into ball’s path, shifting the trajectory out and away from gloved hand and into goal.

Match Report 2008_09_04

September 10, 2008match reportbrown

vs Dirty Waffles 4-4
DC 2, CB 1, RH 1, AW, JH, TW, TH (GK)
MOM CB, TH
YC TW

I don’t know whether it was the Swedish Math Metal played en route in one of the Northcote Camrys or the focussed pre-game drills or possibly Jim driving the company car but whatever the Hades it was; the Dirty Waffles hadn’t laid a single syrupy digit on the ball when (after barely a minute of play) we had our first taste of the back of their net.

We had picked the Waffles for arrogant and it was therefore good for the Nannas to get that early psychological edge. Unfortunately that edge was blunted with two loose goals by them in quick succession. Some loose marking (CB guilty once) gave TH little chance of stopping some shots from too close in. 2-1 to them.

TW got a Yellow Card for throwing the ball away. The vibe was getting edgy and desperate. Rhian executed an Acute Sweet Poke (ASP) that was third time lucky after two close attempts by AW and DC. 2-2 scores are tied.

DC got another goal and then they got two more and at 4-3 down and with only minutes left on the clock, a loss for the Nannas looked imminent. CB received the ball in front of goals and sweetly poked it high and into the back of the net for the mighty equaliser.

Special mention goes to the esteemed TH who was massive in goals.

A draw. 4-4. A big game. Strong work Nannas.

Match Report 070808 + Impromptu (PART 2)

August 20, 2008match reportjimbob

The night for this brown Nanna started in the car and Striker busting out the fake cigarette. Coach said ‘look out! It’s the fuzz‘ but Striker wasn’t fazed—he was way too high to worry about some bitches with some phoney respect.

Anyhow, Striker offered the fake ciggy around the car. First coach took it and then after some time I put my doing two things at once ability to the test. Needless to say that you never mean to get totally high but sometimes even the slightest puff can put you out of your mind, as Vic-roads would have it.

Anyhow, the game started slow and Gilla is right our D was of the highest order—no bitches would penetrate us until the very last minute.

And yes the ref was of the same ludicrous disposition as on our previous outings, calling fouls when no contact had been made and on one occasion calling Gilla for stepping out of his area with the ball, even though he, the ref, was a good twenty metres away.

Gilla had his revenge: from the ensuing penalty he guessed right, literally, and made a majestic save.

Anyhow, Striker slid down the right hand side, pulling a move further right and then hit one back across the goalie for one of the sweetest strikes of the year. And that was how it stayed until the middle of the next half.

Anyhow, games are oft won in the blink of an eye and on this night the Nanns went from one-nil up to three-nil up in a solitary minute, I shit you not. The first was set up by yours truly—with a chip and chase Sterlo style. Winfield Cup fans circa 1982 will know what I am talking about. Cocky, in true-strikerly fashion, finished off the move, being on hand to accept the final pass in a two-on-one situation.

Then I struck again, this time getting the final touch as Gilla launched with his left and I with my head, heading home.

Anyhow, Tao finished the scoring for the Nannas with something of the following, which I really don’t remember:

‘I passed one off to Dan who ran down with it as I ran with him on the opposite side of goals then he passed across to me and as the goalie waved his arm around in front of me a popped in passed his left side, or his right side as I’m looking at him, through to the back of the net.’

Anyhow, then it was off to Impromptu it up and apart from the Supper Inn, lashings of lager, and Gill whipping my arse in Virtual Tennis, there was some very serious talk about the state of brownness across the full spectrum of the Nanna line up. From the way I heard it one Nanna, and no names will be mentioned here, didn’t want to join the brown fraternity because, and I quote, ‘he had a busy day tomorrow’.

Anyhow, while this revelation did momentarily shake the spirits of the Nannas it was, in the words of one person present, not wholly unexpected. I think he said something like, ‘well that arse-bandit was never really fit to the lead the Nannas anyway’.

Anyhow, Striker said that he would step up and lead because he was at that moment in time the richest, literally and metaphorically, and in all honesty I think all of those present, even though they may not have wholly heard this comment, did subconsciously accept the self-nomination—I know I did.

match report – 080626

July 2, 2008match reportstriker

9-2 vs X X X X
TH, JH(2), TW(1), RH(2), TK, AW, CG(GK,1), DC(MOM,3)

One word – Commitment. That’s how to win the respect and admiration of your brother nannas. By showing commitment on the ball, on the field, in the pub, in the beach-box, in the face of desiccated mushrooms and forkfuls of crunchy powder… But most importantly by showing up to play having witnessed the birth of your daughter and leaving hospital less than 48 hours previously. that is Commitment with a capital C. To be honest it wasn’t planned, I was totally reconciled to, and comfortable with, the fact that I wouldn’t be playing, but then it was 7.10 the punks were in bed, the little miss was snuggled up with Miri, the dishes were done, the bench and table wiped. Really, what was I going to do ? Go into the stude and do some art labouring? Hell no, I was going to join with my brown brethren in a classic Nannas landslide! So good. So good in fact that Nannas barely noticed the three subs. So good in fact that the Nannas were laughing. Laughing after successful flowing moves, even laughing after crap passes. There were goals aplenty and the author even managed to score a goal for each of his progeny. Ah yes, all was good in the world. So good that the Nannas even forgot to give all their votes to Tao…

Match report- 190608

June 25, 2008match reportjimbob

Opponents: Los Pitufos
Score: 7 (Los Pitufos) – 2 (Nannas)
Attendees: TK, TH, DC, RH, JH
Goals: DC, JH
MOM: JH

Butt- reamed, rammed, arse- invaded, jam-rolled, indescribably filled, yes Nannas, this is how I felt after a non-too terrific performance Thursday night last.

Yes Nannas, questions do need to be asked. Questions like should Captain have sole control of the growing of his facial hair mid-season? Should Striker get a good night’s sleep on a Wednesday night? Does coach need more time to get his dicky knee right before entering the field of battle? And the most important of all, what is the recommended number of subs if half the Nannas are expected to be late or have an off night?

On reflection the Nannas weren’t too bad. The word that most comes to mind is soft: soft in defence, soft in the contest and fifty fifties (if I can use a couple of footy phrases), and definitely soft in the first half. Well more like asleep in the first half.

The first stanza was were we lost the game, for before we knew it we were about three goals down and it all seemed perfectly harmless, almost like, oh well we’ll get it back somehow. The thing is this sort of attitude only works in the event of a landslide if we can get to our opponents and really put them off their game. The nannas Thursday last were never going to do this.

The second half was better; we did find some rhythm, though not a lot. We did start to string a couple of passes together, though on most occasions the final, crucial pass was beyond us. And yes our defence did tighten up, although there were about two or three times when an opponent had his back to goal with a nanna close enough to hump him, only for the opponent to turn and take the softest shot.
All nannas please note: standing up against the back of your opponent like you have a strange urge to sniff his crack is not defence, it is a recipe for disaster.

Special mention goes to Cocky for trying to convince the nannas that winning the second half was a noble and just cause.

Match Report 080403

April 10, 2008match reportcoach

TH(GK)(MOM), CB (1), DC (1), JH, AW

11-2 We went down to Dead Dead Skilfull

An extract from my personal journal I would like to share with all the Nannas out there in bloggerszone:

Thursday the Third of April, 2008

Dear Diary,
Today I found out miracles really do come true and how awesomely akbah is indeed allah, because today, dear diary, I won the highest honour and respect of my sweet Nanna brethren despite letting 11 goals go by. Today, dear diary, I felt for once the Nannas finally respected me for who I am as a person not just how shit I am on the soccer field and that makes me feel really good. Dear diary today I feel like all the good in world is finally happening to me for once, because how is it possible that such an honour should fall to such a one as me….(&c, &c)

Anyway it goes on like that for a couple more pages and I basically just piss my pants ‘cos I’m so happy and humbled by this honour etc etc whatever. So the crux of it was we got caned pretty hardcore. We had our moments for sure, but we let a few too many soft goals in. Sure I got nutmegged once (maybe twice) but I also got a bit of a boning from a couple of own goals and a few occasions where they were just lining up to have a shot, and you can’t let a side as good as them do that without expecting a bit of a fisting. I think Cocky got a goal by taking the high ball interpretation to that place where there’s just enough doubt in the opposition’s mind that they stop for a second and not quite enough doubt in the refs mind (cause he’s liking you today) to pull you up. Perhaps it is fair to say the scoreboard wasn’t an entirely true reflection, we seemed to hold them quite well for periods, then they would avalanche us. We lacked a bit of luck/finesse/finishing power in front of goals too, on a couple of occasions we were one out with the goalie and probably should have made more of our opportunities. Perhaps it is also true we lacked a bit of the elixir from the week before. Who can say from where comes this elixir, and why the Nannas should be drunk upon it one week and parched for a taste the following? Probably some sports psychologist I guess

I would leave the Nannas out there tuned in on the internets reading this blog with the following personal journal extract:

A.M. Thursday the Tenth of April, 2008

Dear Diary,
Last night I had the strangest dream, I was locked in a room with all my dear Nanna brethren, we none of us were sure exactly what we were doing there. It was a little peculiar, but I feared not, because my brothers were at my side. Slowly we became aware of a strange noise. Quiet at first, it gradually increased in volume. Somewhere between the drone of a partway demented automaton and the cry of a frightened fowl, it wasn’t particularly pleasant. Louder it grew, and with it the concerns and agitations of myself and my trapped comrades. All of us being brought up on the mythology of the Star Wars, we started to get that feeling we had felt as children, in the pit of our belly when we could not help but place ourselves in the garbage compactor with Luke et al. The noise grew louder still, verbal communication became impossible. Terrifying. We none of us had any notion of how to combat this situation, how to extract ourselves from this hell room, nothing in any of our experiences had prepared us for this. The noise reached an intensity that was doing permanent damage, it started getting darker, the smell of death began to permeate the room. We all of us realise it will end shortly and end badly. Then hope. Someone, I don’t know who, maybe all of us together, become aware of a thin crack of light way above us. To high for a man to reach, it seemed as first as though it would offer no salvation, then the Nannas started to organise. Without any prompting or apparent guidance, the tall men of the squad formed a circle, the hands of one man firmly grasping the shoulders of those on either side of him. On top of them scrambled the medium sized guys, similarly forming a circle of strength. Finally as the sound started to affect the internal organs of the Nannas, the smallest Nanna clambered up the backs of his fellows and punched mightily at the sliver of light. The sound stopped, a light of a most brilliant golden bathed us and I woke with words of Tenacious D in my ears: “That’s fucken teamwork”

Nannas vs Hyderoos 200308

April 2, 2008match reportjimbob

Attendees: TW, TH, DC, RH, JH.

Result: 7-1

T’was a tight five that adorned the court. Adorned? Yes adorned for there was beauty to be beheld from the Nannas on this evening.

The Nannas glided about the court doing what we pleased to insipid opponents, which was only fitting given the mismatched nature of the contest. It was almost like a prediction for the Geelong, Melbourne game to be played this weekend. Or perhaps Manchester United versus the Gunners in the title race? Maybe I am reaching on that last one.

Some might raise their eyebrows in surprise at such comparisons but scoff no longer doubting fools. Indeed if our tight formation of five wasn’t completely focused, so insistent on grinding our foes into the dirt like the helpless bugs they were, we too may have been in awe of the eminence of our efforts.

The nannas were in the mood and there was no stopping us. Not a stuttering opposition, nor a paltry turnout (from the uncommitted), or even Cormac, who threatened all night but ultimately always undid himself with his own trickery, would hold us up.

The brown men seemed to swallow a sacred elixir of patience, poise, speed and movement before we stepped on court. But in truth this performance had been on the cards for a while; form is intricately tied with momentum, and even though we had been beaten in the weeks leading up to this night, those score lines were deeply flattering to past enemies.

It appears the new style we have been toying with for so long is finally gaining currency in our play. All the Nannas need to do now is keep up that style for an entire 36 minutes. Against lesser opponents on this night it proved easy. Against those of greater calibre, our conditioning will have to improve.

Special mention goes to the Captain for playing on the very day his baby was due.

Special mention also goes to Coach for almost keeping a clean sheet, but the goal that got him was a good one. The dirty back heal from the aforementioned Cormac.

match report 080306 – we was freakin’ robbed – arse raped by a melways ref – Big Jims Stupaknee™

March 6, 2008match reportstriker

5-6 vs S & P
CG[gk] DC[2,MOM] JH[1] AW[1] TW[1] TH

what an arse.
things were looking good, the nannas started brightly with a tight defense and some good early runs. The opposition had some moves but nothing overly threatening. Andy Wong opened the scoring with a speculative shot not far from the halfway line. Almost reminiscent of the shot from Cesc that put Arsenal into the lead on Tuesday night. There was some fantastic hustling from the nannas particularly Tom, Tao and Wal, pressing and suffocating space. Against the run of play the opp nicked one back, they did have some ball skills after all. But more committed hustling tight in the left corner from the le coq spotif resulted in a dispossession and another goal. half time and the scores are tied 2-2. Then the nannas really lifted their mental game and pulled two goals clear, a father flukey left from Le Coq and one off the knee ?! from big Jim Hannan, the Stupaknee™ if you will. it was at about this point that M3 ( that’s right people a ref called M3, the very ref who this author was restrained from laying an official complaint against) began his typical slide into farcical decision making. A penalty was awarded for some clumsy bundling in D by Jim. The sweaty portly stubbley angry man steps up to take it and of course giller, using the Heisenberg uncertainty principle, saves the goal with his feet, ah yes feel the pain you sweaty portly stubbley angry man !! ha ! but no ! the ref is claiming he hadn’t blown the whistle, you’ve got to be f**king serious. from there it’s downhill , the nannas have been dealt a serious injustice from which their fragile psyches can not recover. the opp run in another gaol almost straight away the nannas just standing around in disgust. that is freakin’ bullshit ref ! still stuck in the past moment the nannas see another and then a another in the back of their net. Tao rallies to pull one back back but it’s too late. Anally defiled by a melways ref. the ignominy. fvckit.

epilogue:
to further compound the lack of courtly behavior three nannas left the table at the chief before the other three had even finished eating, what is that all about ?
well, at least the gunners are through to the quarter finals of the Champions League…
oh, and there was some contention about the MOM voting, but given that the coach hadn’t posted his report on the site… (some cods wallop about server hacking)
anyway, Andy will probably be writing a report as well so the more the merrier.
it should also be mentioned that the glorious captain of nannas has been taken ill, we all wish him a speedy return to health & brown manly vitality
congratulations also to Pete & Nat on the birth of their little boy Cohen (sp?) – woohoo !

Match Report 080221 (Part 3)

February 26, 2008match reportcoach

Nannas Vs Thursday Nights

0-9

RH(MOM), JH (MOM), AW (MOM), TH(MOM), Oz the Lebanese ring-in.

On four.

Four is the only number in the English language for which the number of letters in its name is equal to the number itself.

Four is the number of brave Nannas who turned up for the 640 game at MacRobertsons

Four is the smallest composite number, its proper divisors being 1 and 2. Four is also a highly composite number. The next highly composite number is 6.

Four is the number of MOMs voted to the brownest of honours at the completion of said game

Four is the second square number, the second centered triangular number.

Four is the number of tennis balls equivalent to Andy Wong’s testical size.

4 is the smallest squared prime ( $p 2$ ). It has an aliquot sum of 3 which is itself prime. The aliquot sequence of 4 has 4 members (44,3,1,0).

Four is approximately the number of own goals James converted

The prime factorization of four is two times two.

Four is the number of Purple Hearts Rhian would have been awarded if he had sustained his injuries fighting for the US Military.

Four is the smallest composite number that is equal to the sum of its prime factors. (As a consequence of this, it is the smallest Smith number). However, it is the largest (and only) composite number $n$ for which $(n - 1)!\ \equiv\ 0 \ ({\rm mod}\ n)$ is false.

Four is the number of diseases I was inoculated against prior to the game (Typhoid, Hep A, Tetnus, Diptheria)

Four is a Motzkin number.

Four is the number of hours prior to the game that the nurse inoculated me.

In addition, $2 + 2 = 2 \times 2 = 2^2 = 4$ . Continuing the pattern in Knuth’s up-arrow notation, $2 \uparrow\uparrow 2 = 2 \uparrow\uparrow\uparrow 2 = 4$ , and so on, for any number of up arrows.

Four (hundred) is the number of times I thank the Lord Jesus Christ every day for being part of the Mom Four

A four-sided plane figure is a quadrilateral (quadrangle) or square, sometimes also called a tetragon. A circle divided by 4 makes right angles. Because of it, four (4) is the base number of plane (mathematics). Four cardinal directions, four seasons, duodecimal system, and vigesimal system are based on four.

Minus four is the number of times Oz worked it back into the D.

The smallest non-cyclic group has four elements; it is the Klein four-group. Four is also the order of the smallest non-trivial groups that are not simple.

Four is the number of minutes Tao would have got to play if he had continued getting changed after he realised it was the second half.

Four is the maximum number of dimensions of a real division algebra (the quaternions), by a theorem of Ferdinand Georg Frobenius.

Four is the number of centimetres Rhian’s half volley from the old over the head dob missed by.

The four-color theorem states that a planar graph (or, equivalently, a flat map of two-dimensional regions such as countries) can be colored using four colors, so that adjacent vertices (or regions) are always different colors. Three colors are not, in general, sufficient to guarantee this. The largest planar complete graph has four vertices.

Four is the number of millimetres to the right required for OZ’s shot to have not hit every post in the goals and instead sailed into the back of the net.

Lagrange’s four-square theorem states that every positive integer can be written as the sum of at most four square numbers. Three are not always sufficient; 7 for instance cannot be written as the sum of three squares.

Four is probably two more legitimate chances than we actually had.

Four is the first positive non-Fibonacci number.

Four(teen) is the number of dollars it costs to play when only four Nannas front for a game. (Or maybe $17.50, I forget)

Each natural number divisible by 4 is a difference of squares of two natural numbers, i.e. $4 x = y 2 - z 2 .$

Four is the number of times it took me to get my t-shirt on the right way around for the second half.

Four is an all-Harshad number and a semi-meandric number.

The Mom Four

210208 Nannas v TNs (part 1)

February 23, 2008match reportjimbob

Sport. A cruel, cruel mistress.
Just ask captain. Inquire what it was like to bust ankle. Then say, how did it feel to sprint on ankle for half hour?

Sport. A real bitch.
Just ask coach. Raise how hurling soccer ball must have been exceptional c*&^ after receiving range of crippling blows to arm thirty minutes prior kick-off.

Sport. A total waste of time.
Just ask Tao. Put, if you dare, how with only five minutes left on clock he found Nannas nine gaols down.

Sport. No point trying.
Just ask me. Exclaim, busting gut back in d only got ball on ball on ball on ball on ball ricocheting off foot, leg, appendage into own goal. Own goal. Own gaol.

Sport. A real tragedy.
Just ask Andy, who, despite best efforts, could not prevent competitive game in first half turning rout in second.

140208 Nannas v DDS

February 17, 2008match reportjimbob

Present: DC, CB, RH, TK, TW, AW, JH

Goals: DC 2, JH 1

Opposition: DDS

Final score: DDS 5- Nannas 3

While this game ended in defeat, the Nannas will be sure to take something out of it. It showed that team brown can play a game to beat any opponent no matter how skillful.

Most times the Nannas beat opponents like DDS in the later stages of a season when we are all hyped up and our brownly manhood is on the line. We mark up, impose our immense physicality on our opposite numbers and generally worry them out of the contest.

Last Thursday’s game was an example where we used two distinct styles of play, none of which reflected the method we employ come finals time.

After a very slow start where the opposition put two goals past us that could best be described as hopeful long-range efforts, the Nannas suddenly heard the absent coach’s call to play with our heads and not our arses. We started running, defending and most important of all passing.

Yes the Nannas started to control the game, employing the adage that the ball kicked moves faster than the man running. Strangely, in our possession the ball went backward just as much as it went forward. We also demarcated a ten-metre semi-circle around Kondo’s goal that became an opposition no-go zone.

Funnily enough it worked. Cocky bagged two, yours truly curled one in from range, and the opposition could not find their rhythm, taking sporadic and ill-directed shots on goal. The browns went to half time with a one goal lead and their tails up.

It wasn’t to last long. From the whistle for play to get under way in the second half, the Nannas were caught on their heals and promptly punished. 3-3.

Then trying to regain the initiative the Nannas pushed too many forward, and our d was caught at sixes and sevens on the break. 4-3.

From there the Nannas reverted to the aforesaid second style of play. This is the game plan usually engaged when the Nannas are up against it. It is a game of long passes, misdirected one-touches, and no patience or panache whatsoever. The Nannas used the old no-nonsense straight up the guts at all times approach, thinking it must reap rewards.

The rewards did not come. The Nannas were brave, but the Nannas were also out of puff. A late goal by the opposition sealed it. Final score 5-3.

Special mention goes to Tao for trying to tell the ref that he was in a better position to adjudicate on the game, after a call when against him.

Special mention also goes to the Captain for his self-nomination as the worst player on the pitch, which seemed somewhat harsh. Such self recriminations are always to be commended, especially when they come from our fearless leader.

Match Report 080110

January 23, 2008match reportcoach

2 – 5 vs Gash Backs

TH (Mom, GK), DC, AW, JH, CB

I don’t know if any of you were in Stalingrad circa WW2 when the spaghetti hit the fan. That shit was fvcked up. The Germans were the sophisticated, well drilled, experienced hard men and the Russians had nothing except for about 20 times as many men and a bitch of a winter. Basically you had no chance, if the cold or the starvation or your own secret police or the enemy or dysentry or the tuberculosis didn’t get you then you died from drinking anti-freeze for the high. You were stuck between two megalomoniacal egos refusing to back down. That’s kind of how it was for us. Them with there fancy skills and the ex-australian rep ref playing for them and little iron crosses hanging around their necks, and us with the glorious will of the Soviet people.

Simplest way to understand it is to think of me in goals as the Volga river, nothing can get past, that’s not even an option, but fritz is still going to shell the shit out of me day and night. Jim was the October Tractor Works, a lot of bad shit happened there, men eat horses if they were lucky. Cocky, as always, was the poster boy magnificent sniper division getting all the food, all the press, and all the ladies. Chas was the 5 million strong Red Army troops who the Hun could not conceive of existing over the other side of the urals with their T-34s ready to die in wave after pointless wave. Wal was frostbite, eating Jerry whole and turning his flesh black. Tao was of course the generals who never showed up for the fighting but invented new medals for the dead soldiers to wear.

So despite what history tells us we lost. But we drew the second half, and if you take the two goals that the ref got out things don’t look so bad, plus I was in goals and that sucks harder than having the Romanians on your flank. Then my bicep got ruptured and it took a week for the bruise to come out. Amen