Nannas V Calthorp

2      v       7

TW, JM (1), AW, TP, CB, CG (1)

The most magnificent and beautiful moment came after the match, I mean don’t get me wrong, the match was great. The Nannas were brown and proud yet overpowered by a rather better team. Yet we tried, we hustled and did our thing. Yet they did theirs and were a lot better at doing it. We did hit the scoreboard and not once too but twice. But they hit it a few times. Quite a few times.

The sweetest moment of the whole game came when James the Mercenary lent over to a player from the team of the next game. James lent over him and said, “hey mate, I’m so sorry about last week”.

That person was a small statured young man who took the comment with his chin held high. The reputation of the Nanna’s is once again raised high. Thank you to the Mercenary.

On another positive we found an amazing Korean BBQ joint in east Brunswick. They even made our little vegetarian friend very very happy.

NANNAS vs RMIT

4        Vs.       4

RH (1), DC (1), TW (1), TK (1), CG, AW, CB

Tonight will always be remembered as the night Andy touch a massive pianist. Then he saw him play and he was blown away. In fact he had be blown away a little bit earlier when he discovered that the bathrooms at High Note were shared multi sexed bathrooms with open urinals. Andy and Tao seemed to have bladder conditions as I lost count after the third time they slipped away.

the game itself was like a battle of gods.

they had a god whose seemed to be born with a ball and could strike it like Thors hammer ripping into rock, smashing it apart.

We withstood their early barrage and were two goals up at half time. Takeshi taking the Greek and then Hinkly trapping a ball in his milky thighs and swiveling, picking up his dime and delivering.
the second half was marred with controversy after the ref was seen chatting with their players at the break he then ignored an obvious handball that resulted in a goal. 3 more maggotly goals slammed into the back of our net. We were starting down a sad avalanche until San Crooks put his foot down. The first goal of the comeback was awesome but the. Little Tao Weiss became the brown Goliath. He held the ball and pressed forward, the opposition unable to interpret his moves. It was the Tao toe of terror that sent the ball into our goals, restoring Nana pride, yet again.
The Nanas are super cute. We then went to Northcote social club. Where all the Nanas ordered the same dish (steak and chips) all except the bulemic goalie.
Then upper management proceeded to solve one of the earths greatest coding mysteries in order to get the nana voter up and running. A great celebration was held in their honor. It was then that Andy locked eyes with the massive pianist.

Nannas vs Direct Rudboys

6. v.  8

CB2, DC2, TW1(ish), EC1, AW, CG (mom)

wow – it has been a minute. Some say the longest brown break in a decade or two. On Wednesday night The Captain was wondering which nanna would come closest to his maker. Putting my hand up here as it appears that asthma has taken over me in the last fornite. I had to leave mid first half to find an inhaler for good reason. I found that and bobbed back. I also forgot my shorts and so played in a (tastefully tan or shall I say light brown) pair of pants. So maybe this mom is a bit of a mercy mom.

the DRs were pretty handy. One year above El from his high school they certainly could pass and turn and run and shoot and score. The Nannas responded to the initial heavy onslaught from the DRs. We scored in the first half. It was only 1-6 at half time. Things were looking grim. Yet ok.

they were good to play against as in fair and tough. Matching is in our vigour. The second half was a brown avalanche WHICH WE WON!! Some hot hot goals on a muggy evening which was probably best seen by Tao’s toe knuckle hair goal which whisped a ball into goalas their goalie got cocky (by the nuts) and went for a run leaving the goals gaping.

we were really pressing them at the end as they ran out of puff, keeping in mind that as we are in our 24th year of playing that is longer than all of our opposition had been alive. Ever.

The Northcote Social Club took us into their bosom and we suckled on the teat of their sweetness.

NANNAS vs PANTHERA FC

4.               vs           9

DC1, CB, TW1 , AW (Mom), TK (MOM), CG (mom) 2

We ended with an incredible team goal. We were cheered off by a growing sideline crowd but unfortunately they assumed we were the 9 with how good we looked. It was a long throw to the left side with Rhian heading it back across the goals  for Cocky to tap it in.

Panthera FC are actually our new nemesis RMIT B TEAM who wanted a little more respect than just being a sloppy seconds. THey opened with a roar in the first half. We were a little shell shocked. But we won the second half. THey were 6-0 up in the first half. I camme in my jeans for the start of the second. Sorry Jim, I know you hate it when people come in their jeans, its so uncouth.

ITs always hard after making the finals, the Nannas seems to slump a little. But onwards an upwards gentlemen. Remember we get the country boy back with his BIG LEFT FOOT and his power stance ready to firm us up again.

Dinner proved at the Northcote Social Club and their cheap steak night. Not for the captain’s last match for a while though, he went full Maryland on us all.

NANNAS V CALTHORP

0           V.       7

DC, CP, RH, TW, CB, CG (mom)

I FORGOT MY CAPE.

Chassy remembered his Nanna Onesie.

The last customer of the day, after I told him of the impending match 37 minutes before kick off said to me, wow, did you see the episode of Ted Lasso last night? The latest one? No, I hadn’t, he proceeded to tell me of the lowdown and how the keeper in the TV show suffered a really horrible and grotesque broken nose.

Then he left the store with me mouth agape. I stepped onto the court nervous AF with a constant hand hovering over my beak for the whole match.

Playing against a VERY STRONG opposition the match began in a fiery manner. Tao being ragdolled and cock offered then massaged in the chops. No card, no matter. They really really won because they were so young they thought that we were so old that when we joked about our age being 35 they thought that that was so old, and so far from their age, that it might be close to where we are. They really were destined to win this one. We never got close. There was a penalty shot by us but their keeper was pretty goooood. Chassy was an injured nanna and limped off and is still limping today.

We took a group photo at the end together with CALTHORP and wished them well with their ascent to the higher division with the hope of never playing against them again.

The Nannas needed help. We needed familiarity. We were broken men. We went to THE HORN. The tibs, the wot, the kitfo. We back in the food womb. the band BLOW blew us into the happy place we needed to be.

We walked across the road to the appropriately named RUNNER UP bar. I handed over my runner up trophy and he put it on the wall, next to the 15 or so other runner up trophies that had been slung to the way side.

The season felt a lot longer than 15 weeks. The Nannas we brave and brown and were incredible to get were we got. Much love to Carl and Guido and Henry and Jerry, others who had given them selves up to be Nannas.

Congratulations gentlemen on doing what we do. 23 years is a lot of funk and today I feel really sore but proud to be a Nanna.

1. The Nannas 5 La Bestia 3

AW RH 1 EC 2 CB 1 TW 1

in an unprecedented dented attempt at vote fixing a pre-report was made…

2 down after 10 mins it was looking ugly, the Nannas were on point but the op had some skills and could stop and turn like really freaking quickly, what they didn’t see though, was the brown avalanche rolling down the mountainside towards them, a 3 goal Nanna lahar smashed them into halftime. The third act saw a mini revival and the scores at 3-3,  tempers were fraying, tackles were getting a bit spicy and the Nannas were on a four foul knifes edge, but a 4th brown goal hustled across the line really upped the ante, the Nannas were defending like their lives depended on it, The Lady Chatterly in particular looked at one point possessed by a small to medium sized demonic force, snapping and biting and snarling… they threw everything at us, to no avail, and then finally, after a number of earlier attempts Elliot glanced in a fifth with his pink-Modric-elastic-banded head… game over!

We went somewhere, the crofters arms? The chaplains loins ? it was a bit shit, which looked bad for Rhian, but he and I did share a jug which was quite special (ps. Andy owes Rhian a pint via me) and we discussed the white lotus and geometrically titled danish films and the socceroos and Elliot had a pineapple and jalapeño margarita just to keep it real.

Then we went home and I poured a VERY deep bath while taking to long to write this pseudo match report on my phone, so I better get MOM, bitches.

NANNAS 2 v WEST BRUNSWICK ALBION 4

JH, CG, RH, TW, AW, CB, DC

The day after the match I was standing in the doorway of Northside and Sean Deans a kiwi D&B DJ legend walked past. I told him about the nights before loss and of my sadness, even though I was standing on a rainbow, he said…..”you Aussies are so preoccupied with winning! Congratulations with finishing second, unless of course there were two or three teams in the comp.” “No, there were maybe 8” I said. To which he replied, “Well In that case you guys did really well”

What a pussy I thought as he walked away, happy with second place, happy with losing at the final hurdle, happy to receive the little trophies instead of the slightly bigger ones, happy to know what could have been ours, but we let slip through our fingers.

Everything was in place. Nanettes, flanuses, brown ties, capes and of course police resect. Tao even came with some D’Artagnan meets Game oF Thrones respect that had eyebrows raised. Andy was tall, nearly as tall as Jim. Chest puffed out and READY. Jim was ready but also excited by what lay ahead, his glory. Rhian was practicing his magical leaves before the game, Chassy was striding masculinely and my cape was flapping in the breeze. Dan was erect and ready to play. .

At half time we were ONE to NIL up. Could the unthinkable happen? We were in the drivers seat. We were unsettling the apple cart. We were beginning to dream.

Well the start o the second half was like having a glass of cold water thrown in your face and down you pants at the same time to wake you up. THE DREAM IS OVER. They jumped us and we all slowly woke up with slightly smaller trophies.

Sean Deans is a pussy.

The Nannas vs West Brunswick Albion

4  v  14

CB (1), DC (2), RH (1), TH, TK

tonivht will always be known as the night a truly incredible goal was scored. Not one incredible form of brown brilliance from an individual  but a group movement like a glorious flash mob. We didn’t win the game but we definitely won the right to sleep at night.

The goal was in the top ten of the most brilliantly spiritual goals in the history of the Nannas.

we were bringing the ball up from the backline when we NUTMEGGED 2 of them in a row. First a pass from Chassy to Dan, then. Dan bump to Takeshi. Then he passed it to Rhian who then BACKGEELWD it into goal. That’s right, … it was a DOUBLE NUTMEG BACKHEEL.

one of the most holy of all goals. I was merely walking the sidelines as a coach. But I was bathed in the aura of the moment. I still smile about it now.

Vs Ben’s Babes

4-9

CG (mom) RH(1) EC TW (1 TH TK DC (2) – CB (coach) AW (cheerleader)

The Nannas turned up early. I think we have to stop this stretching beforehand. It’s got ruinous results.

the last two weeks the Nannas have stretched out some soft tissue concerns. This week it would appear no different. The goalie limped into his Friday.

The game was signaling poorly early…. the opposition was fast, and clinical. Let’s just say at 1-4 at half time we knew we had a fight on our hands.

The youngest Nanna, this evening, Elliot signaled his intentions very early with a yellow for pure brown aggression within 5 minutes.  It set a precedent early. We played hard but slightly slowly. They moved around us and towards their goal.

ultimately the goalie picked up the ball 9 times from his net but it seems his fellow police respecters admired his pick up styles. The end of game happened and everyone looked at each other as the final whistle blew and gave each other “I wish Jim was here” eyes.

not so much for his on field brilliance but maybe more for his after game care. He was the king of helping chassy dry off after his shower. The boss of loosening toms hamstrings on the side of the court. And of course the lord of the back pat on the walk out of the stadium.

it seems the Nannas will need a bi weekly hand to be put up to give some post match cuddles. Some embryonic hugs, or some supple manipulations, anyone? Andy?

the country sweetness of Jim is sorely missed. We wait for next week excitedly and maybe just maybe we will win. Not this week though. Not this week.

thenpost match we classy, another look at the Retreat and the highlight was Cocky ordering the SpatchCOCK. That’s a lot of cock on a table. Maybe it was a seven at the end.

I left early, it will live in the world of maybe.

the Nannas v Big Kick Enegry

SJG (MOM) 3, DC 3, TW 2, CB, CG, TH. RH (ass coach)

8.  :   2

Slow to start
Nanna’s rubbed against Big Kick Energy seemingly evenly matched.

Top bun had height, a quick turn and sharp right foot.
A few Maradona physiques in their team, but without the same chutzpah, no lo suficiente.

My memory of these moments in a hall in Brunswick at the end of 2019 is like a melting ice cream, ribbons of caramel pool on the pavement, unrecognisable from the cold desirable seconds ago.

Facts like names, chronology, order itself are flimsy raft-boats that appear when the mind sinks into wakefulness from dream state
like a ocean liner whose true story may die with its captain.

This game cleansed me.
I bathed in their tears.
Tears are many things
Water, mucin, lipids, lysozyme, lactoferrin, lipocalin, lacritin, immunoglobulins, glucose, urea, sodium, and potassium.

To say we won is to say I cried.
What did you win, what did you cry.

The compounds of this victory are equally complex and invisible.

I think about covering my body in tattoos
I want to kill the opposition
I am marking the stubby Maradona
There is peace in my heart
My mouth awash with the metallic taste of hemoglobin from the red blood cells.
My life has been wrapped in spreadsheets
Meetings with management
Moving back and forth in a square that neither expands nor contracts
But the game here moves in measured rewards and executions.
Break, turn, pass, run, split, shot, net, goal.
Repeat. Rinse. Repeat.

There is something sad about a wild horse being tamed
A wild stallion, unridable, bucking with all fury of the mountain fires.. worn down by the fences and cowboys rope.. the dust cloud settled to a trotting beast, broken and rideable shaped to mans will.
A well tamed horse is called dead broke horse.

We saw that spirit of the game pushed out.
Around 6-1 the referee put on Bohemian Rhapsody on his sound system..

We are the champions, another one bite the dust or we will rock you all would have been more apt choices from Queen.

The pain of an unanswerable question drives some philosophers to madness and martyrdom.

Why were we the better team?
Entropy.
The emotional transactions of our days.
6 ft above our heads the psycho-spiritual thermodynamics reigned supreme.

But of course, see?

Le Coq looks like a Greek god

Tao means the source of creation

Fish gills take oxygen from out of water
An opposing element, transmuted.
Our Gill plucks the oppositions ball from our goals and thrusts it forth with savage intention.
He slaps it. He drops 90 degrees onto linoleum. The ball is not allowed here, it is against our nature.

I had only this game to rip forth some meaning from the day, so I lean into the wind to fall and die or fly and live. And we flew and we lived

What I mean to say is victory came to us because we beckoned it
We possessed it
Or rather it possessed us
The other team did not want it
We were on fire, violent and creative.
But On our way to victory we destroyed something beautiful in the process
Competition
And it becomes abstract
A demonstration
A amusement ride
The wild horse is gone

A experimental 6 minute rock opera song sung by a flamboyant gay English / Indian man is reduced to a background music for the soccer jock in a hall in Brunswick at the end of 2019.

NANNAS vs BENS BABES

3 v 4

TH, CG, CB, EC, GM, SJG (MOM)

vs RMIT

2-5 Loss

RH (capt) , AW, TK, TH (1 goal),  CG (1 goal), TW

I got there really early thinking that it was a 8:20pm match. As the half time finished I was thinkning it was full time and that I had been abondoned by all the nannas. I was frantic. Walking around like a stunned funk apostle. It wasnt until Joel told me it was half time that I realised the Nannas would never let me down. THis was the last time Joel was nice to the nannas that night.

It was a weird night. All of a sudden Tao turns up like a legend even though he was dead for all money on the flurry. Always a nice surprise to see a sneaky nanna turnt up. We gathered before the match. INstead of passing the ball around, we collected in the goal mouth and talked tactics. We faced a team of 10 very fast kids all under 20. We were wide eyed with THE FEAR. Don’t run we were saying, pass it around, save our strength, get ready! Instead the Nannas came out of the blocks like Peter North after a run.

THe level of heat on the court was intense. The nannas were right up in their chris Grill. I have never seem such brown furvour for many a year. The whole team were on fire. Tom got the first with a parry, then I cracked a long bomb (first in a while). We were two nil up at half time. INSANE. One of the heaviest halves I’ve seen in brown. All I can say is that it was an old hairy David versus a very young Goliath.

Then Joel comes back into the story. Their keeper tries to stop a ball but slides over a meter out of bounds, handling the ball as their last player to goal. Clear penalty. We all yell at Joel, who is off on the side talking to his friend and he MISSES the WHOLE INCIDENT. He calls play on as he didn’t see it. We yell madly and play goes on for them to score a goal against the tide. And what an old tide it was.

Then they got another, and another and another annnnnnd another. Oh and one more. We were broken. NOT HAPPY JAN. But we were not done for yet. Whilst their guy with a head knott top bun thing was shifting his game up several levels, we still shut him down.

Then Thomas is in an altication. As he remembers it a guy was running blindly backward towards him. He crosses himself with his arms to protect his body / head from the impending clash of the titans. THen guy connects with the coach. He goes down. The Coach is intact and relaxed. The guy on the sideline tells Joel that Thomas shanked a guy, then Joel asks Tom to sub off or get a red card. The Coach chooses red.

THe nannas are down but not out. Whilst they shoot, we parry. They attack and we hold crazy firm. We cannot bridge the gap. It is a bridge too far. THe Nannas go down.

Post match the Nannas are in fine voice, After shaking with RMIT and congratulating them we let Joel know that definitely fucking a Nanna in Tasmania might get you a prison sentence, but doing it on the court in Brunswick apparantly aint no thang.

It turns out that Tom shook hands with Joel after the match proving to us all that a Nanna with a brown heart is a Nanna indeed. We changed outside in the cool night air. So unhappy. It was interesting to see Andy Wong, the coolest of all Nannas be as Angry as Tao has ever been.

Brown Fury.

Then we step to the new Joe’s. I foolishly say to Tom, WOW, its amazing that none of us Nannas ever get injured….. Within 5 minutes Rhian picks up Quad tightness. Just out of the blue.

It was not a brown night.

The Nannas versus RAINMEN FC

5                vs              4

CG(G), JH 3, DC 1, AW 1, RH, TW.

“Don’t call it a comeback, we’ve been here for years” LL Cool J

With seconds remaining Jim Hannan put the ball in the top left hand corner of the net. The same place that he put the ball in the FIRST 5  seconds of the game. Truly for me to be writing this report tonight feels like a hollow victory for getting the mom. Having my child along for the game and her voting had NOTHING to do with this. The night had everything. We were down 2 – 4 at half time and I could not see were the next few goals were going to come from. I even asked that of the proud brown men. THey took it as an insult despite the reverse psychology nature of the statement. Looks like the goals did come.

Andy Wong is experiencing a purple patch at the moment. From scoring his first ever hattrick last week (in front of his not too impressed son) and this week Andy ghosted in to goals as I threw a long ball and then Andy, like Fred Astaire, flicked a back heel to put it in the side netting! Incredible goal. This levelled the scores with 2 minutes to go. It really was INTENSE. Poppy was saying that is was actually quite scary. The INTENSITY.
Going back to the quote from Ladies Love Cool James, we, the Nannas, have seen this sort of hurdle before. We have felt that kind of heat before. We have juggled this weight of expectations before. We are brown and proud. We prevailed again.

Looks like we got a new A team peoples. I gotta say, Tao is finding an inner calm that could only be found in the anus of BUddha himself. Tonight Jim not only got his first ever hattrick, but took more hits than a German porn site. At one point he thought his knee exploded, but then bounced back, to take one on the ankle. Tears did not stop the man. Rhian who took the hits in the past weeks is in great form floating on the wing, drifting in and out of erotic consciousness. THen we have massive Cock(y)….. its good to have the man back. He has been wandering like a minstral, but is back to add a little focus up front. Then there is Andy…. like I said. Purple at the moment.

The korhian was a fitting finish to raise a glass and acknowledge an INCREDIBLE come from behind victory.

Stay BROWN men.

Nannas 2 vs Spartans 5

TW, GF, JH (mom) 1, TK, CG (mom) 1, Arnaud,

There was a dead bird lying on the ground under the porch as we approached the Preston Girls High School. A pidgeon.

The Spartans were that, undermaned, lean and hungry. They came with a wry smile. We were thinking about the bird. The dead bird. We also had a frenchman among us, Arnaud. He was a friend of Takeshi and a great footballer. This seemed to be enough as we were sudddenly up 2 nil. Things were looking good, then all of a sudden, in the blink of an eye, they got a triple and we were scratching heads.

I got shitty with the ref as the gap got wider and we got a little out of touch as another goal became 5-2. That didn’t help. We fought on but they were rather good at holding onto the ball and won out convincing winners. We fought well, but they were all good, with two guys particularily good.

As we skulked outside, past the dead bird, a figure shuffled up. The lurking coach in the shadows. How long had he been there, no one really knew. He said he just turned up, but we couldn’t have been sure. He had a peaked cap that shielded his eyes.

He went off with Fraser and Tao in search of gravity as Jim and Takeshi went home.

The  Nannas vs Sth Melbourne afc

3.   –     4

DC1, RH, TW, TH. JH1, TK, CG mom1

A glorious performance rolls around in my head just like it was yesterday. As our seasons was on of the crapest and least brown, this was one of those games we really shoulda woulda win.

We applied the brown heat all night and even threatened an avalanche, BUT it was not to be.  Maybe it was the lack of the reach around, maybe it was the lack of the chassy in the map of Tassie move, or maybe it was the lack of  the extreme Greek. Whatever it was we fell just that little bit short.

The night was turned around by the loud call from JIM for KoRHIAN. There were groans but we all accepted the porking like men.

Lacking the cape we did what we had to and rounded off the night laughing like fools

THE NANNAS    v    THE LEGACY

9      :        2

GF1, CG1, CB2, RH3, TW2

This was the night that Every nanna scored and we smashed them. It will go down in the annals as one of the brownest moments in Nanna history. We were only five men and it was a week we HAD to win to get in the finals.

All the cards were on the table and we knew exactly what we had to do.

To make things more beautiful it was a three way tie for mom!

THE NANNAS v St KILDA

5    :      2

CG1, AW, TW1, TH, GF, JH1, CB1, RH1

The gaping eight. The nannas faced off against the top of the table and showed the lader just who the real contenders were. Eight brown men who passed the ball like it was on fire. Just the one touch, cross court, high lobs, headers, back heals. You name it the Nannas made it happen. All but the reach around got down for this game.

Admittedly st kilda missed a payer or two, but hell, we were missing Takeshi AND Crooked, did you hear us whinge? NO. We played foir the colour brown. The game was insanely good with the Nannas taking it to another brown level. Past light brown and straight to deep brown.

We love the nannas.

The nannas love to win again.

This was the night we touched the big brassy. Thats right it was the HYPNOTIC BRASS ENSEMBLE That DEMANDED our attention after the gig. A few nanna’s couldn’t make it but most found out that they had the one of the nights of their life. The eight brothers that played brass instruments were joined by a drummer and these guys dropped a super tight beat all night long. The nanna’s danced and laughed and danced again and realised that funky brass music might be their calling. At least I’m sure it was Guy who professed the deepest love and then as all the Nannas were rapping with gabriel the trumpet player he discovered how artistic all Aussies (and kiwis) were. Repping the goodness men! 

THE NANNAS vs

2                    :                    7

DC, AW, TW, TH, CG, TK, RH

We played these guys last week. Although last week we won the forfeit we chose to give these guys a little run around. Well. Last week it was a 7 – 1 loss. So if my maths is right it looks like last night was a bit of a win for the Nannas. Well done lads.

We made them look like a little bit of a bunch of idiots this week huh! We doubled our goal load on their asses!

We had a special coach last night. Someone who was coming off a little bit of a win for himself as well. Just a touch too tender to enter the battle field. Well his guidance was obviously a factor in our practical win.

All Nannas played with a pride and a fury that we come to expect from our boys. Dan was massive up front, Rhian was hard like a captain. Andy was a slippery greek as always. Tom had a slick look and a hard foot. Kondosan ran like a treadmill. Tao looked incredulous, often. I was there.

Still we are up high on the ladder, deny us that, THE ANNUAL!

Cooking was mine and I tried for a seven at the Burlesque Bar on Johnson St. Tao gave me one and everyone else looked embarrased. Chassy was missed, on the court and dancefloor. Luwow was underwhelming. Thank god we are not voting (except for Tao)

THE NANNAS vs NAMELESS BITCHESS

Forfeit – sweet brown victory

CG, RH, GF, DC, AW, TW, TH

I left Melbourne on Saturday morning at 6:45 am. it was sleetingly sad to leave but Brisvegas called. A man weekend with a difference. A footy trip. Three men, one game and 24 hours to do it. Walking off the plane at 9:30am the 20 degrees was to be the coldest point of the day. After a superfine breakfast and perhaps my fourth coffee of the day we rocked into the hotel room.

A minute nanna nap and we were off, to see Brisbane town. As it was by now 27 degrees, the volleys felt like Douglas Mawson had dressed me. I had to get some thongs. Luke and I took off the shoes and went looking for some thongs at the nearest chemist or even, god forbid, shoe store. Dan really wanted to just eat lunch, but we needed thongs. We walked and walked, we went through, malls, thorough museums, through amazing massive pools that were full of people swimming. Some, rather beautiful in their routine. Us, however, we kept walking. I think we did up to 12 kms though town and about 3 hours later we were happy and truely believed that we had seen, or rather felt the city.

Our walking took us to a park on Boundary Road that was an unofficial Aboriginal tent embassy of sorts. There was an enternal fire and sacred ground was all around. We stayed on the oval, with the fire and the day felt complete.

It was a good day.

Oh, there is also a massive phallic tower there that was built by STEPHAN, the towns most successful hairdresser, during EXPO 88. It is very funny, and bulbous. There are wack lights that flash at some times. Weird times. I heard from three different sources that the lights were to represent the arrival of huge ecstasy shipments, therefore it must be true right.

Collingwood won. 

Nannas     v      VJFC

1                  v            5

GF (1), CG (M), TW, DC, AW, JH

It was a fine night, in the end. The game started off rather shaky with one of the least powerful flurries ever. The Nanna’s looked shaky, but still we formed as the brown cloud of respect that we do. I must say the VJFC were a good team, not only was the game hard, but it was fair, except for Jim who nearly went to court apparently.

The game was really an avalanche of pain for us. We got hammered all night. It was not  that pretty, until of course when there was about one minute to go. In a blur of passing fury the nannas moved the ball up to the only nanna who had the stones to put one in. It was the newly appointed Geezer, Ghee the whinging pommy bastard, the  maggot from the ol blighty, the queens servant, the earls court rat. Guy Fraser. As he kicked the goal, he also spat out a mouthfull of blood. He must have taken a hit somewhere, but it all happened in slow mo. It was memorable.

Afterwards things got crazy. When we hit Lou’s opening, the only thing I remember is that Kano was calling out, “Is that Z-Bug, Is that Z-Bug? He’s a legend.” To us he is just Andy, the greek defender, the one to always order another fried banana. The sneakiest of the nannas. For the cook Jim walked us down the classy alley towards the finest xiao long bao’s in town.

Xiao Long Bao – Shanghai Steamed Soup Dumplings



If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you;
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too:
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don’t deal in lies,
Or being hated don’t give way to hating,
And yet don’t look too good, nor talk too wise;

If you can dream—and not make dreams your master;
If you can think—and not make thoughts your aim,
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same:
If you can bear to hear the truth you’ve spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build ’em up with worn-out tools;

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breathe a word about your loss:
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: ‘Hold on!’

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with Kings—nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
If all men count with you, but none too much:
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds’ worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that’s in it,
And—which is more—you’ll be a Man, my son!

the Nannas v top of the table…
0. V. 5

Th, gf, cg, jh, rh, aw

Was not pretty…. As you can tell there were NO goals. Not much to say really. Let’s say that we held them to 5 goals…

Cooking was what it was about. We started at 4pm with golf then after Jim popped Tom by one and the captain drew with the goalie all bets were off. The we hit Taco truck, turned up after Carolyn Fraser but got served before her. Embarrassing , but a full show of respect! The game was next……nuff said….
Post match we hit Cherry bar and Saskwatcj did their thing. The Nannas did check the back room, with Deaf Lepard, Non Jovi, thin Dizzy and more….
Post cherry we hit Joomak – late night KoRhian respect.
An epic day……

NANNAS V third street saints

7   :    1

TH, CG(mom), JH(mom), AW, TK, TW, DC, CB

Three main points surfaced after this game, Dan and Andy basically pashed at a restaurant. I am a 70’s vagina and the third thing was…………….oh its all such a haze. Maybe I should start at the beginning.

We faced some newbies. Its always a cherished moment to pop some teams cherries like you do the hope hopes and dreams of innocents. They still walked off the courts happily, but they realised they came up against an extremely skillful (old) opponent. We smashed them. However it should be pointed out that at half time the score was 2:1 in our favour.

It wasn’t until the second half that we found our rhythm. We were snapping passes like a dirty old man at the royal melbourne show. In fact the goals were so flowing that it seems like a Lionel Messi training drill in my mind. We just kept popping them in.

Let it be noted too that we had a new ref. This ref was great, young, but great, he took it seriously and made the game actually quite enjoyable. Then it was Chassy turn to cook.

Chassy took us to the swinging RICE QUEEN, where we were great by Ingrid busting out some sultry cocktail vocals accompanied by Olaf on keys and a cat on bass. It was quite a way to prepare for dinner. Obviously chassy had spent his afternoon blogging madly, but he came up trumps. Whilst the waiter was mildly insane, the food was ok and the tunes rolled all night.

Then there was the EDUMAME incident. Dan had turned his back only for a moment, and that was all it took for Andy to suck the beans out of his edumame pod and mistakenly throw the skin in the WRONG bowl. Then Dan reached in and sucked on Andy’s old bean, to then declare that he just sucked on a used skin. Andy may have well have spat in Dan’s mouth. He may well have licked the inside of Dan’s cheeks. He almost sucked on his tongue like a baby on a teat. As soon as the words fell out of Dan’s mouth, he realised he mistake. The truth was out and that jus made the realisation all the more funky. No wonder he made me take him out for a walk.

All that aside, the excitement is all about this week, as we have the return of REACHAROUND. All I can say is – beware any member of any opposition that play against the proud brown men. If you feel something reaching around, don’t look down, if you don’t see it happen, maybe it never did. Just like if Dan never mentioned about the Edumame, it would maybe have never happened.

Nannas vs DWS

CG, CB1, TW1, DC,1 RH, JH, AW, TK, TH

3 v 3

Billed as the greatest draw in the history of brown. The nannas faced the old opponent (in all senses of the word). The DWS crew came bounding out of the gates, with a new recruit. Someone who was so good we won’t even use the word good. It doesnt come close to describing him. He was a latino I think, very good with his feet, able to turn at the blink of an eye. He cracked them into the lead with frightening precision.

The game was viewed by the Brown-Smith family and they provided us with great emotional support. Boy did we need it. I think the half time score was 3 -1 to them. We looked and felt shot, however, the resolve of the nannas is nothing if not INCREDIBLE. First Chris Brown stood up and scored then big Danny Crooks came and released, right in the goal mouth.

Seconds remained, the crowd was screaming, the sweat was streaming and they were pushing like freaks. The heat was on and the Nannas remained strong. Proud and brown.

Their big angry grey haired guy was pushing on a forward thrust and it was parried only to be accidentally pushed back in front of goal. The grey haired dude could have won the game but was busy yelling at his teammates. Let this be a lesson about NEVER yelling at your teammates.

I would have stopped his goal attempt anyway.

Then came the calamitous cook off from Cocky. Faced with the responsibility of cooking he then took a phone call and had t run away. The 0 he recieved was harsh, but that is what the Nannas are – harsh and brown.

I then took the reins and did a perfect 6 cook, that was judged unofficial.

Nannas Vs Vagabundos

1    vs  4

CG, RH, TW (1), TK, AW, JH, CB

Coach TH

They behaved better this time. No crying and diving which last week would have SHAMED their family’s family’s. It was an embarrasing game to be a part of.

We walked away with trepidation at the next match the following week with them, thinking would it be worse, it couldn’t be, surely! AS things turned out it was better. The number of dives were down, they didn’t get as angry, however, a few of them would not shake hands after the game. That speaks volumes…..

This week began with a warm up game that our goalie took part in. In fact our goalie played WITH oz the ref, thinking all was tight. How wrong he was. AFter going down a goal early. Jim got a free kick and then slotted it through. The ref DISALLOWED the goal with the ghost of Pete Circuit freaking out! From there the game was emotionally lost. We held them to that single goal for a half. They had lots of shots but couldn’t penetrate.

The second half was fiery adn at one point it was 2:1 to them and we were coming. However, they got a few more and that kind of killed us off. It was a good performance by the Nannas. To hold that team was good. They make us play better. There was really some great defence shown. Great running and really tight pressure. We did lack on the shooting front, but hopefully Cocky will stop this “I’ve got a sore back” farce….

Then the night stepped up. Takeshi took us to a 24 hour KO – Rhian joint with no name and no address, just a hazey description of some chick who’d be there..she sounded hot.

We turned up, Jim got loose and started being inappropriate. He kept thinking he was playing soccer on the waitress and was like, “Guy Fraser’s allowed the reacharound, why not me?” Then he stood up on the table only to forget why he was there. It was a bit embarrasing for us all, but I think it reflected favourably on Takeshi’s votes. Jim apparently had the night of his life. Like he’d had before. and he WILL have again.

Maybe all Nannas can dress in plastic for the NEXT night of Jims life.

Nannas v Pornstars 5:4 loss

TH(mom), CB 2(mom), CG gk(mom), JH 2(mom?), RH, TW, AW, DC (coach)

Like we are starting to live up to our stalinist paper doilie trademark and give a little communist respect to our little sham. OUt of the seven on field and eight brown men in total, 4 were judged to be the spokespeople of our generation. It is really only Cocky who will be able to tell us of the mathematical probability of all of us sharing best on ground.

The game was good, but as the result suggests, not great. WE were close but as one of them took a MONSTEROUS totally pussy (do I play for Italy) dive they got a penalty, in the end, it was this act of immorality that was the difference between the two teams. I hope that little man hasn’t slept a wink since then.

The team is still funkional but we do need a little something…..maybe a VICTORY! Where the fuck is it? What thefucks going on? Last season we couldn’t lose, save for the crap administration of the comp who kept trying to penalise us for being too fonky. (Not dissing the ref though!)

The new chapter of the brown machine is the cooking. I spent all day and most of the game FREAKING out about the cooking. I had to go super conservative and went with an old local. It was this which proved sound with the Nannas even if Chassy didn’t like me filling up his drink every ten minutes.

The Nannas vs DWS

6 -4

TIght is right is a phrase oft used by brown men. And it was used again, it was used by the Nannas and it was used by our new cheerleader Marek. He was so hard about our win he had to leave early!

In fact the ref had to go up to him during the game and ask him to turn it down a little bit. I got to say though that his pompom work was nothing short of INCREDIBLE! Its like there is a factory in NZ pumping out amazing pompom action! He was top of his class for sure.

Back to the game. We were all kicked in the guts at the thought of having to change Jim’s over. Out with the old and in with the new. It was billed as his last ever game. All week we wept and cried and howled, but you know what – he didn’t even show up! What balls of steel.

Well, the game…..yes….IT was awesome! We were incredible. They had a crap goalie early and we took full advantage and slammed on 3 quick ones. Thanks god we did really because we only won by two!

The goals were wonderful as always with Andy sneaking one in Greek style – who would’ve thought!

Cooking afterwards was done by Andy and we all hit Fitzroy and got down to teh Middle Kingdom duck styles…. Tight work Wong…

Semi Finals

Nannas v Pornstars

4 v 9

TW, AW, CG, RH, TK, TH, JH

Coaches CB (emergency) DC (no chance)

Disappointing is not the word, we could search for a phrase like gutted, or turkey slapped, but disappointing is not strong enough….

The week before we came up against the Pornstars and they just “couldn’t get it up”. The seemed to be a man down, boy was that right. There was this big guy who came up and said “I heard you took care of us”, I was like yeah, “You sucked our 8 goals”, then the guy was like….”Oh, I bet it’ll be different now that I’m playing” and then I was like (under my breath) “Yeah different, now your team will be uglier!”…

Well he was right, the difference he made was significant. We did better than they did. In fact a whole lot better than 8 -0. (losers).

The higlight of the night was night was not the soccer though…It was the SUPER funky KOrhian FRIED CHICKEN! DAMMMMMMMMMMMmmmmmmnnnnn.

Its like the loss was just an eventful evening to get us in the mood for the KOrhian.

The presence of Andy’s fan club was great as we all tried to show off to the kids, who apparantly had to put up with a shower of swearing from dad in the car as he took a wrong turn at Albuqueque….We live and learn……

NANNAS vs Pornstars

8  –  0

CG 1 (mom), RH 2, DC 1, AW 1, TW 1, TH  TK, JH, own goals 2

Pornstars – HA – top of the table – HA – we should make a new name for those guys  – how about LOSERS…that’d hurt em!

The nannas really turned on the charm last night. It was a near perfect game. We played like real professionals, like dudes who were good! We came up against the best and made them look C-rap.

First half was tight at just 2 – 0 and then we came out fighting! All I can say is that our goals were all pretty good, however mention needs to be made of Rhians “goal”

With a flurry of passes the ball got spat out to Rhian in front of an empty goal. He somehow managed to funble it and put it past the post he then saw his error and saved it just before it went over the line and then slowly but surely got back to bring the ball in front of the goal and then pop it in. All this time the defence were looking at him and in real time saying “Oh he can’t fuck this up, oh wait yes he has, but no wait, maybe not, no, actually I think he might kick a goal, yes it seems he will, oh my, he did, maybe we should have stopped him……”

The rest of the night the men folk stepped out to Cherry whilst there were a few headaches elsewhere…

Teh band SASKWATCH brought the funk and Takeshi invented a new dancestep, its called the “Watchmedancemothafuckaimhavingfun”

PLATINI v NANNA

6 v 4

AW(mom), RH, AW, CD, JH, CB, TK, TH

It was remembrance day, a day observed in Commonweath countries to remember the members of the armed forces who died in the war on duty since world war one. It was on this day, the 11th of November, that marked the actual day on the date of 1918 that the official end of the war was formally ended by the German signing of the Armistice.

Generally it was recognised that it occurred on the 11th day at the 11th hour on the 11th month….

It seemed that the Nannas, all men of the Commonwealth, were stuck by the awe of the day. All it would seem except Takeshi Kondo. It was he, not of the Commonwealth that strived to be the difference. The difference against a team that was clearly (on the ladder) our inferior.

It was Rhian who lead our weeping, he drew us in and began with a hug to each of the Nannas, took us aside and pressed us to …..

THE NANNAS versus ESPERANZA

2 v 6

CG (mom) AW, RH, JH 1, TW, CB 1, TH

Against our OLD foe, our arch rivals….the new nemesis….It was 1 ALL at the first half. Things were looking good. Admittedly I saved a couple, but we were thrusting and they were sweating…..

It was good to have the captain back, it had been a long absence for him and for the Nannas too. A rudderless course through the choppy waters of indoor pain. He looked lean and mean but like Thomas had gotten, he too was about to get a little bit older.

I was putting in pretty hard! But it was in good spirits. When the second half opened up so too did our goals that I was supposed to be defending! They slammed on a few quick one and made us look like we were all getting that little bit older and slower.

That said, we finished off with run in the legs and hope in the eyes.

Afterwards we learnt a VITAL lesson, don’t EVER hang out on the Southside. We tried to go to Red Bennies but the door bitch really was….

Thats why its called the Southside….

The look on Tao’s face as he drove off, so disgusted with me, but I have to say Tao, it was karma, meant to be….just as well the captain was not there to see another loss for the Brown Men

THE NANNAS vs GENESIS

2 v 7

AW(Mom) CG (Mom) TH, JH, Guido, TW, ???any more???

My memory of this one is fading…..and fading fast….We were spanked really, and spanked by a team that WE spanked the week before. (Which Dan will attest to SOON). We had a ring in, we were the tight six and yet, nothing went right.

I can’t even remember who got the goals. At least we had the good ref there….Speaking of the good ref, I’m sure he wished me well for the up coming grand final. Infact I am sure he did. And I am alos sure that at drinks afterwards around the corner on Jim’s behest, Andy laid down a bet that – he bet $10 that Colling wood would lose the grand final. The one thing I am unsure of if there was any mention of odds.

As it tuned out the Grand Final was initially played between Collingwood and St Kilda and it resulted in a DRAW – it was insane. I woke up Sunday morning with a pulsing ulcer in my mouth, a testement to the stress and anxiety that ravaged my body that week.

The next week was equally tense, with no nannas game in sight we forged forward through the dirty week of a BYE (never to be mentioned out loud) and found ourselves at another grand final – you wouldn’t read about it.

COLLINGWOOD were undoubtedly the greatest team ever to touch the turf as they bitch slapped the life out of St Kilda. Heath Shaw’s save and Alan Didak’s goal and subsequent shimmy still find me hard today!

As the final siren blared my ulcer subsided and life turned a shade of amazing!

I even got a nice text from Tom at the end of it all…………….

4 – 5 versus D W S Fc

CG (1)(mom), JH (1), AW, TW, TK, Jim (ring in), Dom (1) (ring in) own goal (1)

Soooooooo close. We played the top of the table, we were VERY undermaned. We were steeled for the game. Tao had to call up some ring ins and then me and Andy turned up out of the blue. At least we had two interchange players. It still did not change the fact that things were tough for the brown men of Melbourne.
It was the near cellar dwellar against the top of the table. You know the team the one with the guy with grey hair in it! As things turned out, our ring ins proved to have a few moves up their sleeves. They were good at holding the ball, and laying off a little love. As it turns out Jim was so taken by them he wanted to instate them into the brown fold. Luckily Andy swooped with the rule 12.2 that all Nana applications closed 10 years ago. Maybe Jim is just fishing for new meat. (sorry Chas)
We came out swinging adn got two quick goals that set them on their ass…..Then they came back to level at 2 all by half time. We were doing all right till now. The second half started and we were really flying. It was almost anti nanna behaviour. We quickly went one up when a gaolie trough baffled everybody and flew through the hands of their keeper, only to knock his left nut on the way through. Yes, cheers of badness from the ladies in the crowd. Then they got an own goal and we were really smiling. Perhaps, smiling too much!
There gun forward, (Who we found out later played outdoor for Australia at the last world cup!), pulled a move on Jim that will go down in his anals of history. He stripped the ball from Jim, pulled his pants down, and wacked his johnson on the way past, then he pulled a side step on another nanna and then slotted a top left corner killer. This set up a mini avalanche of three unanswered goals that realllllllly reallllllly hurt.
To make matters worse, dinner was postponed, through lack of browness….
So Close, so disappointing…..

Game: NANNAS v’s THE (dirty) ANNUAL

Result 5 : 6

TEAM: JH 1, CG 2(mom), AW 1, RH 1,CB, TK.

An absolute tragedy of Greek proportions!!!

The faced off with the Christians they were so sweet. They got the first goal with a corner becomes a header affair, which sucks…..Then we slammed them with not one but two goalie goals. That usually shuts them up!!
And shut them up it did. Actually I should take you back to the start when the Captain gave us a rousing speak about composure against the Annual, that’s their secret he mused….they thrive in chaos. Like a butterfly flapping its wings on the sideline we began.
The game was TOTALLY on our terms. At the start of the second half they equalised again as we let our guard down. But through some golden greek moves from Andy “8.22” Wong we stretched clear again.
Five minutes to go and two goals clear…….Looking good. But then the winds of change blew at us like a MASSIVE butterfly with wings like a god damn sailboat. Both of their goals were arsey deflections…..They drew level and then reached into their christian asses for some more deflection shizzen! Oh it really bought us down…..7 seconds to go……
The pain does not lessen with pharmaceutical assistance…..
Rhian cooked at the Riverside….we booked an act for the Nanna ball there. the crazy office crew!