DC (MOM), JH (MOM), TH, RH, AW

Nannas 1 play Hampton FC 3

We lost this one in the first thirty seconds. Tommy our keeper hadn’t arrived (so obviously it’s all his fault). I was going to deputise, warming up by getting people to kick balls at me. But then Phil noticed we were a man down and stepped up to do the honours. So, we lined up as five but we weren’t really five, not in spirit anyway. We were more dazed, casual bystanders, watching as our opponents put two very quick and easy goals passed us. I remember feeling at the time that this is how the Nannas will play for evermore: slow, limp, non-moving, non-competitive, almost not there. I remember also apologising to Phil like, shit sorry man, we are really crap.

But then Tommy showed up and for some reason we awoke. I am not sure if it was his presence (if he had been there from the beginning things could have been so different; it’s so all his fault), or if it was us going behind to those two early goals.

So, we started to play and for the rest of match we were good. Our passing and movement seemed to benefit from our limited number. Or maybe it was those who were playing (a new Nanna A perhaps), or maybe it was being on court all match that gave us cohesion and momentum. The only sticking point was their goalie: he was hard to beat. The Captain (he truly is a beautiful man) did it once but no one else could. I remember being one on one with their shot stopper about four or five times and each time he beat away my shot or shut me down before I got a chance to shoot. I also remember another three or four that I pinged from outside three-point range, only for him to again beat them away.

Talking about goalies, Tommy had a very good night in goals (he shoulda been there from the beginning, things could have been so different). He was pulling out saves from everywhere (he surely would have stopped those two early ones).  It was like having Gilla in goals but without the hair and funk (and Tommy is better looking too). But then I fucked him (Tommy, that is). Their keeper was coming out of his goals, taking pot shots at our goal from halfway and beyond. From one of these shots, I kinda felt like an opponent was behind me, and that it would be a good idea to stick out a foot to try to deflect it. As I said to Tommy after, it was only half a thought, which are the worst kind, because I only succeeded in deflecting the ball past Tommy and into our goals (this was my fault and I take full responsibility). This was very bad for us (and I was post match very surprised when I was named MOM, given this transgression), for only minutes before the Captain got his goal, and we were looking likely to overrun them.

Everyone hates losing to the Annual.

DC 3, GF, JH (mercy fuck MOM), RH, AW, TW

Nannas 4 play St Kilda 10

T’was a chastening night for the Nannas. We met a somewhat recent foe, but one we had had success against not so long ago, not least in the granny at the end of last year. On that occasion we held their attack in check and got quite a few goals our self (with Chassy playing out of his skin).

This time out, while our attack was serviceable if not brilliant, we had no Chas and we did not hold them in any way shape or form at the back.

The first half was predicable. We were strong and true, letting in a couple (at least one by the keeper was very soft, who completely misjudged the strength of a shot) and got a few of our own.

Cocky had a better night of it, as compared with last week. He snared a couple from pure persistence, dispossessing opponents deep in their half and making them pay each time.

Tao too got on the scoresheet in the first half, running from deep around most of their team to pop up in front of goals and slot home: the goal of the match, from this correspondent’s point of view.

Half time score, 4-3 (I think).

Second half

Then the second half happened and with it about three or four early goals to the opposition. The Nannas need to concentrate on their second half starts, as this is not the first time we have been competitive leading in to the break but out the other side, very quickly letting the game slip from our grasp.

Captain pointed out after the game that most of their team can run, pass, dribble and generally play soccer. An interesting comment. Obviously the point being that some/most Nannas can’t, or the opposition can do all these things better than us. Probably a fair point but for most of the first half we definitely held our own. What was more evident though, was that the Nannas did start to drop their intensity in the second half. There were couple of times when Nannas could be see standing around watching the play instead of being an active participant in it. This is where the Nannas have become less competitive this year, as teams usually find they can run over the top of us in the second half as the Nanns start to flag, or generally become disinterested in the contest.

Upper management recommendation #1
All Nannas take part in conditioning and competiveness training pre-season.

 Goalie’s point of view.

First, it should be said that about three or four goals the goalie let in were particularly soft. He does need to have some time having people kick soccer balls at him at pace, from up close, from range, from all different angles, from crosses, from volleys, from everywhere if he is going to be a regular stand in for other Nanna keepers.

On the flip side, it was interesting to see the difference this keeper made in terms of distribution. Usually the Nannas live off scraps, a lot of long balls trying to pull off the Nanna Sucker Punch™, or see the opposition’s goal or the wall above their goal peppered (this is especially true when our first-choice keeper plays). But when the Nannas get a bit more regular and consistent ball, and if they run to space and their efforts are rewarded with a pass, they do start to get interested in playing, trying to string passes together, link and run; they do start to get some confidence in their foot skills and their play does become somewhat less haphazard and more controlled.

Upper management recommendation #2
All keepers go through distribution training, which will involve classes on: taking the best option; controlling the pace of the game; being an option at the back; limited but strategic use of the Nanna Sucker Punch™; throwing to a Nannas’ chest, head or feet and knowing when and how to accomplish these; knowing when to put the ball at a Nannas’ feet or out in front of him, that is, identifying when a team mate is moving and then choosing the appropriate way to pass to him; the look away; the feint; the cut out; the loop; the weighted drop; the all out throw; the worm burner; the head hunter; the chest tickler; the curve ball; the leg and off break; the off the opposition’s goalies goal; the Garry Owen; and last but not least, when the goalie should come out of his area.

DC, GF, JH 3 (MOM), TH 1, RH, TK

Nannas 4 play ??? 6

Five things we learned about the Nannas

1. GHBG may be dead
   Chas has been going on about the Nans playing clean for years now, and from last night’s evidence he may have a point. The two main standard bearers for the unclean approach, Jim and Ghee, abstained pre-game, as a control. Well, Jim hit three fairly good goals and Ghee, although he didn’t get on the scoresheet, was a tower of strength in defence.
   Of course the third standard bearer for GHBG, Cocky, was a shadow of himself, playing a particularly shit game. So there may be evidence for some Nans to GHBG and some to not.  Further testing will be conducted.
2. The Nannas are in a funk
   Maybe it because we were up against four at the start of last night’s game (which always lures us in to a false sense of security), maybe it was the earliness of the fixture, maybe it was because Cocky is working on a very big and complex project at the moment, or that RMIT really has gotten to Ghee and Jim, or that the Coach and Captain have been pulling too many late nighters due to their respective birthdays. Whatever it was the Nannas were awful last night, especially in the first half. We were slow, we stood around for half the game waiting for the ball to come to us. There was no passion, no enthusiasm, little in the way of that special Nanna hunger and anger that usually makes us competitive.
3. Don’t get on the wrong side of the coach
   Well, the Coach was angry. First he was seen arguing with the ref, and then he began yelling at the Nannas. But after that he soon found a place to really vent his fury, which was at a member of the opposition. His first entanglement with him, early in the second half, saw Coach trip his prey over and then land on top of him. But that wasn’t enough for the Coach, for after a penalty was given he did pretty much the same thing on the way back to stand on the mark, again using the object of his hatred to break his fall.
   That was only an entrée. He really went for this guy and not content to use him as a crash mat like he did twice before, he employed the now patented ball palm move and for good measure drove the dude’s head in to the hard floor of Wesley. The lesson: don’t get on the wrong of the Coach. He will tell you something different, but don’t be fooled, if you get him mad, he hurt you and hurt you, and hurt you again.
4.  The Nanna Achilles heal strikes again
   The Captain and Coach have work to do. The Nannas lost again last night due to our inability to hold on to the ball. Not only that, we gave away at least four very soft goals after passing to a direct opponent. At least two of these four goals, an opponent got the ball with only the keeper to beat, and there was one where the opponent didn’t even have to do that, all he had to do was shoot into an open goal.
   Usually kicking the ball away is something that our #1 keeper is guilty of (we have tried to implement the one in three rule but they don’t call him a small business owner for nothing), but last night striker felt it would be a good idea to kick the ball away. Of course Kondo gave one again too but after last night’s performance Cocky will struggle to hold his place next week.
5. The Nannas are losing games they should win
   Yes, they did have Phil in their team, who made a big difference. Yes, they did score one particularly good goal that I remember. Yes the Nannas started off real slow. Yes, we could have and probably should have put a couple past them in the first couple of minutes of the game when they were only four. But no, the Nannas aren’t playing that badly. We did pick it up in the second half, and put some moves together, got some goals, and for the most part held firm at the back. I know it smacks of coulda, woulda, shoulda, but we should have won this one. 

Nannas (5) plays Hampton FC (3)

CB (1), DC (2), GF, CG, JH (1), RH, TH,  TW

MOM: JH

Well, we pulled out a big win against an old foe. At the start of the game it didn’t seem probable. Even though it was an early one, 6 pm, we were gaping at eight, and they call it gaping for a reason. What’s more, Tao and I weren’t talking after a mid-week tiff. And the first words that came out of Chas’s mouth when he saw me were, ‘the last time I spoke to you, I called you a dick.’

Yes, there were fractures in the Nanna outfit but these were definitely off-field fractures. As we lined up for the first whistle five men shaped themselves into a team, a brown hue descended over the hallowed halls of Wesley, and the Nanna cheer squad started its shrill sound track.

The Nanns got off to a strong start with Cocky slotting home after a triangle of passing starting at back. 1 zip. Then they pulled one back when the ball dropped fortuitously for their striker to steady and shoot. 1-1. Then they got another as there was some slack marking at the back: one Nanna trailed his direct opponent in front of goal. The ball came in, the opponent scored and the said Nanna could be seen hanging his head all the way back to the start line. 2-1.

Then came our second, which the Captain got. I vaguely remember him being one on one with the keeper and slotting home. But that’s all I remember. Because it is the Captain, I am more than sure that the lead up involved him taking down a couple of the opposition and putting some moves on the rest on his way to goal. 2 apiece.

Then came our third, which was somewhat controversial. The lead up went like this. Chas took the ball from the back. I was to his left in acres of space. I demanded the ball, I pleaded for it, I begged. But Chassy went looking for something else, not finding it. Then, on our very next play, Chas again took the ball from the back. This time I wasn’t in acres of space but the Captain was, not only that, the Captain was in a perfect position to attack the goal. Again Chassy took another option, slamming home a shot from about half way. It is true that I chastised Chassy for his options, saying something like ‘it’s a good thing you scored Chassy,’ bumping him with my shoulder. Chassy, on a high after such a classy goal, was understandably aggrieved. And it befalls me to again apologise to Chassy. He did score a corker taking us to a half time lead of 3-2 (all’s well that ends well).

The second half started with the Nannas going further in front. The keeper, I can’t really remember what he was trying to achieve, came out of his goals and tried with a long pass to find a teammate. I got in the way of that pass and seeing that he was out of his goal, endeavoured to pop it over his head on the way to the back of his net. The ball did bounce up nicely for me, and even though I was facing askew, which at the time seemed to increase the level of difficulty, from the moment I hit it I knew it was home.  4-2.

At this stage of the game a couple of things started to happen. The Nannas became slow on defence, more standing around than taking an active interest in running back with their opponents. And the enemy started to come at us. These two things brought on a number of notable events. First there was Gilla, all on his own against two of them, sliding out of his area, saving an almost certain goal, but giving away a penalty in the process. In a lot of ways I am not surprised their striker couldn’t find the target from the ensuing penalty. Gilla is big if anything in goals, with a special ability of being able to thrown his body horizontal in a split second. He also has a way of applying pressure without even trying. If you have ever played golf with him, you will know what I mean.

Second, Gilla was called on to defend another penalty, again not his fault. The Captain passed it back to me, and two of the enemy ran at me. I got caught in the headlights, I froze, and all I could do was turn my back on the advancing hoards, succeeding only in coughing up possession. Gill did his best from the scuffle that followed but he was outnumbered and on the back foot, fouling both of them who came at him. Then he lined up for another penalty: he got his hands to it, he took a lot of pace of it, he almost deflected it outside the goals. Almost. 4-3.

Up until this point in the second half we were like old king lion trying to have an afternoon snooze in the sun, and they, like an annoying insect, kept buzzing around us, trying to bite us. They came again, again and again. But (for the most part) old king lion kept them at arms length with his massive paw, patiently waiting for his moment to rise and strike out at his annoyer. That moment came as they buzzed at us one last time but lost the ball mid-court. It fell to me. I had a Nanna on each side of me as I strode forward, and only the keeper in front. As their goal stop came at me, I slid a pass left to Cocky who put it away. 5-3.

Apart from a mild skirmish, initiated by me, that’s the way it ended.

Then we went for Vietnamese soup noodle and beer. I went home well satisfied.

Special mention goes to Fraser. He still stands too much on his heels, especially when the ball is coming at him, but there were very deft touches from the big man. His foot skills are definitely improving.

Special mention to Tao and Chas. I will try to lighten up on the (good natured) abuse in flurry land (not that you don’t deserve it).

I am very sorry Nannas but it has come to this.

Score
Nannas 1 play … 2

Attendance:
CB, GF, CG, JH (1), RH, TK, AW, TW

MOM
JH

Possession
Nannas: 51%
Opposition: 49%

Time in opposition half
20 minutes.

Passing (including restarts)
CB: 15
GF: 5
CG: 25
JH: 15
RH: 15
TK: 10
AW: 10
TW: 15

Passes completed
40%

Multiple passes completed
10%

Shots
Nannas: 8
Opposition: 6

Shots on target
Nannas: 4
Opposition: 5

Corners
Nannas: 5
Opposition: 6

Free kicks
Nannas: 4
Opposition: 3

A quick snapshot of the game this week, and for the last few weeks
This is usually how the game goes: we dick around before the game (a few of us too cool to take it seriously); as the ref blows his whistle for kick off we scramble to get five on court; we start slowly almost surprised that we are actually in a competitive contest; the opposition take advantage of our confusion, usually getting a couple of goals; the Nannas get in to a bit of a we are going to get beat again funk; Gilla starts pinging from range; a few decisions start to go against us; Tao gets angry and starts lashing out; Chas and Captain start trying moves that even Lionel Messi wouldn’t contemplate; I yell at Tao to shut up, and get angry with Chas and Captain and Gilla for that matter for continually kicking the ball away; by this time the opposition has got about three or four, while we have wasted any ball, momentum or good will we ever had toward each other; Guy will give one of those the Nannas are fucking crazy/we have lost again/what’s the point? looks; at half time everyone wants to be captain, while the Captain struggles to give us a pep talk; by the time the second half rolls around we are playing better but there is no composure or control, so while we might be doing better in defence we are never going to crack them open in attack, not consistently anyway.

Plusses (well sort of)
There is still fire in the belly
If all the shouting, yelling, pushing and shoving are anything to go by, the Nannas still have the desire to play the game and the fire in the belly for battle. If only we could harness that aggression and anger and direct as a combined force against our enemy.
Or maybe some Nannas have come to the conclusion that they will never win again, and their only option is getting all bent out of shape at the opposition and the ref. One Nanna comes to mind here.

Defence is not the problem
This week we played against a team that had a lot more cohesion in terms of their passing and movement. Yet they only scored two goals. You can put probably two very fine saves from Gilla as the main reason it did not go to four against us but as a team we did hold them pretty well.

Issues
‘We are now the old and angry men.’
This quote comes to us from the Captain, and while it is arguable that he should do more to quell the rampant Nanna fury on court, he is right. The Nannas are indeed turning into a rabble, lashing out at everything and everybody, but mostly each other.
Composure, as Chassy says, is something that all the Nannas need to come to grips with. There were two main offenders on this evening (no names Tao or Gilla), and a third if his comment yelled at Chassy is to be taken into account (yes, that was me).

The stats do not lie.
We get plenty of ball. We just really suck at using it: our passing is truly shit; the options we take are worse (something that Gilla has to get his head around). It burns us every time.
The new Nanna creed: hold on to the ball or kick it to a teammate; don’t kick it to no one, or to the opposition.

The self put down
It was just under six months ago that the Nannas put out an under-strength team but still managed to take the title, beating all comers with guts, skill and teamwork. But all you hear after every game these days is, ‘they were really young, and really fast.’ Or the old chestnut, ‘Gee, they had some pretty sweet moves,’ said like some pimply teenager admiring his older brother who has just got himself a girlfriend.
Think about this bitches: we really aren’t that old and most times the opposition aren’t really that young or fast or skilful, and none of us have any serious injuries that we have sustained that are really starting to take their toll, crippling us now. But more to the point: if you think you are too old and slow and not up to it, then don’t play.

Post feast chatter

Result: ??? 7 plays Nannas 3
Attendees: CB, DC, JH, TH, TK
Goals: CB 2, JH 1
MOM: JH

Pre-game

• Ghee and I visited the Coach’s kid. She’s a cutie. Lots of dark hair. Great bowel movements. A bit grisly on this occasion though.

The match

• It was a tight five configuration. Gilla, Tao, Andy and Captain made themselves unavailable. Coach was back but Ghee got off at Redfern, with a serious little toe injury.
• The first five minutes. Both teams were in slow motion.
• The next10 minutes. We went behind 4 nil. They got two from headers. Cocky gave them a gift (a telegraphed pass right in front of our goal), which they gratefully accepted. Jim gave them a present too (a very soft pass on our side of halfway). They had to work a bit harder to convert that one.
• We got one back. Chas to Tommy, Tommy to Jim, Jim on his preferred side in space. Jim slots it past the keeper.
• Half time 4 to 1. We were playing better than them. We seemed to have more of the ball and lots of half chances, which we didn’t convert. They had more luck in front of goal.
• The second half. Very similar to the first. We seemed to playing better than them but on the scoreboard their tally progressed at a greater rate than ours. We got two to their three. Chas slammed one at their goalmouth from a side restart forcing an error and a goal. Chas slotted home for a second time after the ref gave us a break (probably because Gilla wasn’t there). They got theirs on the break, one of which was another header.
• It always felt like we would better them until a couple of minutes from the end. We had a number of clear-cut chances that on any other night we would have taken. Chas missed from point blank range, trying to recover a ball from very high in the air in a sort of scissor kick manoeuvre. Jim was one on one with the goalie only for the ball to bobble just as he was going to hit it. Cocky should have had a couple.

Analysis

• The Nannas put out a very strong team. Kondo made some fine saves. Tommy had a fine return performance post baby birth. Chas was strong and true. Cocky played without luck in front of goals but still threatened for most of the match.
• The tight five was gold. We played with cohesion, holding the ball nicely and for the most part finding people with our passes. Towards the end, we did slow a bit.
• Our defence was shit. We could not stop bleeding goals. But it has to be said that a least half of their goals were from headers, which are hard to defend against. Gilla needs to go watch their keeper, who could teach him a thing or two about when and how to throw the long ball.
• Ghee, as coach, apparently was giving us encouragement and direction from the sideline but I really didn’t hear him. Post match it was said that he had removed his shoes and socks mid-game to inspect his seriously injured toe. Interesting.

Afterward

• We went for plates upon plates of fried chicken and, to wash it down, a keg of beer. We drank it all.

Verdict

• If only we had of won it would have been one of the better nights of my life.

10/10 Chas
Ruled the mid-field. Very influential.

10/10 Kondo
Ran like a maniac. Vital touches in defence just as we were taking the game away from them.

9/10 Tao
Enforced the contact area. Scored a corker.

9/10 Cocky
In the right areas. Unlucky not to get 3 or 4.

9/10 Tom
Solid in defence. Menacing in forays forward.

9/10 Gill
Didn’t have much to do. Got busy with gaols.

9/10 Frasay
Got well forward. Put himself where he wasn’t wanted.

8/10 Andy
Excellent support. Loses a point for not being able to play.

5/10 Captain
With us in spirit. Loses points for not being there.

Heat not a furnace for your foe so hot that it do singe yourself.

Nannas 3 versus Pornstars 2

CB, GF, CG (1), JH (MOM), RH, TH, TW (1), AW

Questions posed pre-game:
Where is Ghee going to take us after the game and will it be any good? Does Ghee understand what ‘a cook’ entails? Who will drive from Northside? Who are we playing and what time? Who is playing? Is arguing about driving schedules, petrol mileage and how many people carried a Nanna thing to do? Are the Northsiders crazy? Where are Kondo and Cocky this week? What if Cocky didn’t actually have a keen interest in statistics? Are there too many emails sent during the flurry? Should we ban people from having their say in the flurry if they are not playing? Has Gill driven enough to warrant him never driving to a Nanna game again? Is it wise to drink a V before the game? Is it wise to get high before the game? How did Chas, or Hinkley for that matter, feel about the All Blacks winning the World Cup? How many Nanna emails does it take to organise something? Did Hinkley intentionally miss Gill off the list when talking about picking people up Northside? How much did Ghee pay for his new shoes? Are Ghee’s new shoe’s to everyone’s liking? Where would the flurry be without Andy taking the piss out of people?

Questions posed during the game:
Is too eight too many to have on an indoor soccer team? Is it better to have a larger team when it is hot? Are the Pornstars the same team without their English import? Can the Nannas convert all the possession they are enjoying into goals? Did anyone think the Pornstars own goal a bit sus? Do the Nannas have any attacking ability without Cocky? Is it right for Phil to play for a team when they already have five? Should Phil be allowed to score? Will Phil score? Are the Nannas getting too old? Is Hinkley really a god? Would it be wise to try to overthrow Hinkely for his captaincy? Should Tommy take a course in football tactics, so he can really Coach us? Should Chassy play a more playmaking role? Is it wise to bait a member of the opposition? Is the Pornstar’s keeper psycho? Should the Nannas get angry during a game? Will the Nannas ever stop bickering with one another? Doesn’t Gilla’s arse/hips get sore from all the jumping around he does? Can anyone ever get past Ghee? Can Gilla really score from between his own goal posts?  Will Gilla save the penalty? Will Tao score in the dying seconds  and win us the game? Will Hinkley and Tao realise that there is about 10 seconds for the opposition to score?

Questions posed post game:
Are the Nannas on a lucky streak? Is SIRI any good? Should one’s cooking effort be judged by those who leave early? How many beers did Ghee bring? How do you set reminders on your iPhone? Is the meatball soup noodle any good? Does Tommy have an unhealthy obsession with tripe? Should a player being high affect the number of votes he gets for MOM? Who is MOM? How many tokes should one have on a joint before getting on the train back to Malmsbury? What games are you playing on your iPhone at the moment? Is Tommy really the best choice for climbing on people’s backs? What is $100 divided by eight? Did Ghee get any cash for the beers he bought? Will Ghee hump his new flatmate? Will Ghee have a party at his new house soon? Will a select group of Nannas play golf this Thursday? Will everyone be able to make a 6 pm game next week? Who cooks next week?

If you prick us do we not bleed? If you tickle us do we not laugh? If you poison us do we not die? And if you wrong us shall we not revenge?

It is best to judge someone by the enemies they make.

Attendees: CB, DC, CG, JH, TH, AW

Goals: CB 2, DC 2, JH 3

Result: Nannas 7 plays #$%^&* 2

The second game of the season and the Nannas had something to prove. The week before we drew with a weakened Annual outfit, letting an equaliser in, in the last minute. It was shitful. It was heinous. It was an abomination. As you can see, I am having some trouble letting go of the hatred I feel at such a miserable result.

So we lined up against a new opponent. They looked competent in the warm-up (never a good indicator), but as Andy said in the warm up, ‘I don’t care who they are, it’s time they got ripped a new arsehole.’

The Nannas were six, the perfect size, and made up of some very brown men.

Gilla took up his customary place in goals. GHBG’ed he may not have been but his glare was steely, his tracky dacks stained and his hair resolutely fluffed.
Cocky was at the opposite end and his return to the field of battle has been good for the Nannas. If he is not hitting keepers in the face with shots, he is at least creating an outlet up front where there previously was none.
Chassy and Andy prowled midfield. The two complemented each other nicely. Andy is all sneak, his best trick getting in behind oppositions, especially newbies who don’t know of the terror of his backdoor raids and scything right foot.
Chassy played the classic everyone at once role. Like Nick Reiwolt he does seem to be carrying an injury at the moment, but unlike the Saints spearhead he would never let this get in the way of a fine game.
Tommy and I guarded our rear end. Tommy started from middle right, making many a lumbering run through the middle, while I penetrated from deep, down the left hand side.

The first half was a classic arm wrestle, with neither side taking a clear cut advantage. We got two past them: one from my head from a long Gill throw; Chas got the other, being Johnny on the spot to slam home into an open goal after Cocky caused a bit of mayhem up front.

They did get one back on us but chasms were beginning to open up in their defense. It seemed like they did have a lot of possession in that first half but as both Tommy and I later agreed our defense was never really threatened. They had little cohesion and their best player repeatedly went himself and then made jokes after we scored goals on the rebound (after about the sixth goal and he knew he was beaten he got decidedly grumpy, which was something of a highlight).

The second half came and the Nannas swiftly got on top. Possession swung in our favour dramatically and it was only a question of if we could put it on the board, and, put them away.

Again and again our passes stuck and with time and space we lined up for shot after shot on goal. Cocky had more chances to poke home than a stud bull in springtime but he either had trouble hitting the target or was thwarted by their keeper. His best effort was a toe hack from straight in front that zipped past a number of their defenders and was heading for the top right corner until their shot stopper miraculously got the ends of his fingers to it.

From corner restarts resulting from some of these awry shots, I was able to slot home twice, latching onto passes delivered by a most benevolent Chas.

Then Cocky finally got on the score sheet, slotting home from a most difficult angle. He later commented that he was trying to cross the ball but it didn’t look that way.

There were two other goals scored by Chas and Cocky but right now I cannot seem to recall them.

Afterward Chassy cooked but I had a date with the 9:15 to Bendigo. Even so, this Nanna went home well satisfied with his evening’s work.

Serious sport has nothing to do with fair play. It is bound up with hatred, jealousy, boastfulness, disregard of all rules and sadistic pleasure in witnessing violence. In other words, it is war minus the shooting.

Don’t get buddy-buddy with the opposition. If you need a buddy, then buy a dog.

The art of battle is simple enough. Find out where your enemy is. Get at him as soon as you can. Strike him as hard as you can, and keep moving on.

It’s not bragging if you can back it up.

Nannas 5 plays  Pornstars 7

CB, DC, CG, JH, RH, TH (2),  AW, TW (2)

Well, here I was, standing on the sideline watching as the game started against the same team we had played only two weeks before. They beat us 13 to 5 last time. One side of me (let’s call him Nice Jim) was hopeful, thinking, well maybe with an almost full bench of subs, and with Gill, Cocky, Chas and Tao back in the fold we could make an imprint on these bastards, maybe we could even go one better and take the little shits down a peg.

But then my other side (let’s call this one Cooker Jim)  was all like, Jesus, what if we do beat them, what would it look like having lost to them one week by a margin of eight goals and then the next week coming back and winning. For a start all my plans of restructuring the team would go astray. I would also have to put up with Cocky telling me how like Arsenal it was, you know, like the time little Cesc was out injured for most of the season, resulting in a slide down the Premiership ladder, only for him to come back and the Gunners to find some form again. I hate Arsenal. Or Tao, who I sent a text message to, after our loss last time, saying, in jest, that it was his absence that was the cause of us losing by so great a margin the week before. Or Chas, who I would have to sit down and, with our eyes locked in a deep and intense gaze, apologise for our previous dismal display.

It seemed like my text message to Tao was a good omen for he started with an early goal. Nice Jim was all happy, pushing Cooker to the side of my brain for a minute, as the thrill of being in front consumed me, forcing me to yell and scream encouragement to Tao, telling him how good he was (it’s true!)

I then came on and of course Nicey and Cooker had to take a back seat, for there are no sides, no prejudices, no hesitancy when a Nanna takes the field. A Nanna is brave and true and fights for all he is worth, to death, for, as all Nannas know, we dishonour never, ever our grandmothers or any female who we may be distantly related to.

Soon after Tao scored again and Nicey was riding pretty high but Cooker was all like, man, just settle a bit, it’s so early in the match and shit, these guys can play. But even so Nicey had it that the one chink in our opponents armour, their shit defence, was being exposed. And so it went. From two corners, Tommy stood statuesque in front of their goals waiting for a cross, which came, and which he cooly put away. I say statuesque because there he was, stationary, with literally metres of space around him. Nicey took infinite satisfaction from this seeming over-confidence from our opponents, like they thought they were so good they didn’t need to mark us or anything.  What’s more Gilla denied the opposition’s best player from what seemed a certain goal, pulling off what some would later say was the save of the whole ten years the Nannas had been playing. Could it really be true that we were beating these guys, giving them a right royal old taste of their own medicine?

I think it was four zip at this stage and old Cooker definitely couldn’t believe it, walking around muttering to himself. But then our opponents, or shall I say, one player from the opposition started to gather steam, running around us like we weren’t there. And then the inevitable happened. He scored. Even though he was on the sideline and even though there was a Nanna shadowing him, he was able to produce a stinging shot that hit the far top corner of goal. Even Gill could do nothing. We got another goal somewhere, somehow, I do not remember who it was. Five to one. And that was the way it stayed until half time.

After the interval, there was something of a change in the complexion of the match. The Nanna scoring dried up, even though we had our chances, but the opposition seemed to find not just more ball but more space with the ball. Again their whippet-like star player led the charge with many a run starting deep in his own half and finishing somewhere deep in ours.

The following are the crucial moments of that second half that decided it.

One, Tao missing a sitter in front of goal. The pass came quick, it wasn’t as well directed as it could have been, being ever so slightly behind him, but with an open goal beckoning, he stabbed at it, trying to hit it too hard, and he missed the ball entirely. As Nicey noted, the omens had changed.

Two, their whippet like star player ran past a couple of Nannas down the right. He was pushed into the far corner where he delivered a blistering cross. I was on the back post marking one of their players, and as the cross came in I reacted. Instead of stopping the ball getting to the player I was marking behind all I did was direct it into my own goal. A very low point.

Three, a foul on the edge of our box resulted in a penalty. Even though we managed to get their littlest (metaphorically speaking), most punk-arsed played sent off (a triumph for the Nannas), from the resulting free-kick the ball squeezed in between both Cocky and my legs and through for a goal.

Four, with a couple of minutes to go with the scores locked, Tommy had a chance to get our noses in front. He lobbed it over the keeper and it looked like it would go in. But it hit the crossbar and came back out again.

And how were Nicey and Cooker feeling?

Well, as you can imagine Nicey was crying. He tends to do that. Old Cooks was truly bummed too, for even he, self-interested and crazy as he is, hates it when the Nannas lose.

After though, both did laugh hysterically when the MOM was announced.

Players: JH, TW, TK, Guido, Marco
Goals: JH 3, Marco 3, Guido 1, Tao
MOM: JH, Guido/Marco
Official score: Nannas 9 v opponent 6
Unofficial score: Nannas 8 v opponent 7
Time in possession: 65%
Passing efficiency: 75%
Shots on goal: 20

Pre-game
The Nannas were a paltry three. Cocky, Wal, Captain and Coach were overseas. Gill was somewhere but not willing to tell us. Chas had to do something or other, I forget. So there we were, low on number, low on Nanna love, and with most of our usual ring-ins not available. Then Tao rang a Brazilian friend who was super keen to play. What’s more he had another of his countrymen who was up for a kick.

During the warm up our Brazilians did amaze with their tricks and sideways passes and back heals. Admittedly I had only seen the Captain really attempt these things before in real life before, so you could say I am easily impressed. But then, just before kick off, one of them said, ‘the best way to play is everyone start from the back and just continually counterattack.’ Needless to say I was wetting my pants with anticipation.

The game
The game that transpired was always going to go in the Nannas favour. We had most of the ball (even though in the first five minutes of the second half it seemed like we would never see it again). The passing was crisp and most of the time well directed. We did let in some very simple goals (which for the most part were of our own making), but our defence was only truly opened up on one or two occasions but on these occasions the opposition was greedy in front of goal and we were lucky that most of the time they chose to shoot instead of crossing to a team mate (who, by the way, would stand there yelling at his avaricious team mate). The most telling thing was how easily we could get free from our markers leaving us with heaps of time when a pass did come. For two of the three goals I scored, the ball found me in acres of space where I had lots of time to steady and shoot. This time and space can be put down to one thing: the control we had in possession and the threat this posed to the opposition. Usually our opponents know that when playing us, the ball, sooner rather than later, will come back to them via an over ambitious one-touch, a needless attempt at something fancy or just the sheer one dimensionality of our play—we only know one way of attacking—forward quickly and at all costs—so they know what to expect and where the ball will be. In short, we’re not hard to pick off. Not this time. Because we held onto the ball and because we were able to move and position ourselves around that possession, we did to our opposition what most good teams do to us—wait until an opportunity presented itself, then exploit it without mercy.

Analysis
There has been a faction in the Nannas that have been advocating for a new style of play for some time now. I say forget that, this would be very much like trying to teach old dogs new tricks. What the Nannas need is a playmaker and instead of trying to invent one out of current stock, we should just bring in some talent. Indeed, as the transfer window deadline approaches we need act and act quickly. The only question that remains is do we go to ten Nannas or do we sell in the transfer window? Upper management?

Nannas versus Annual
Result N 3: A 8
Attendees: AW, James, JH, TK, TH, TW

These have been strange times for the Nannas. Yes we have been under manned. Yes there is too much art going on for my liking (I especially dislike people who go to Sydney for some artsy fartsy something or other. Sydney? Jesus!) Yes there has been ring ins. Yes it is a new season. But, in spite of all of that the Nannas, on this evening at least, something was missing.
I think I noticed it when I scored my first goal. The ball went into the back of the net. There was silence from the opposition — to be expected. There was silence from our side too. I mean come on: it was a freaking great goal. I took the ball in mid court, shifted it onto to James, who shot it back to me as a ran on, leaving me one on one with the keeper — no contest.
But the signs were there earlier too. It was all about soft goals, soft goals, soft goals. Sure, the Annual usually deal in soft goals but on this night, soft turned to real soft, and as they scored again and again they just got softer and softer. Granted, they did have a new player, who was particularly skilled but we have faced off with far better equipped opponents than us before. We do it almost every week. But like NSW playing against the Maroons, we were always going to lose, we were always going to be a step, goal behind. Not a very happy statement but a true one.
Anyhow, I think I shall stop this lament now before I get real upset and start talking about how I miss my absent brothers in arms, and how I hate the bright lights of the beached capital of Australia, and how I hate passing years and their toil for not much reward, like any true Tiger, Carlton or Collingwood fan would know, and how the Nannas are still a strong beast if we could get some continuity and a structured game plan and a regular starting line-up but then I think that this is the beauty of the Nannas, that ugly multi-headed beast that has many sides and many personalities, which will fight and pull at each other as much as it will any opposition or ref, and how when that that mixture really becomes an amalgam of many but commensurate parts the Nannas can really play, and while some might say that the Nannas haven’t learnt much over the years and our style of play has become predictable and our opponents know only too well, I have to say that such a line is a travesty to all Nannas and I never said it, and if I did I recant.